My First Letter to My Son

Dear Jhun,

I am writing you now because one day, things are going to change and it will seem like yesterday when you and I spent one of the craziest stages of our lives, as a new mom and a new baby. As I write, you are spending time with your dad. Yes, there is life outside mommy and I have to keep reminding myself that. Sometimes, I have to rationally tell myself that you are safe with him every time I have to back off so you can have your ‘men time’. He is ecstatic about having you in his life too. It also takes effort for me to trust friends who offer to hold you. Call me crazy but at times, images enter my mind, of them dropping you on the floor or letting you roll off the hill in your stroller, but I am still sane, so the images go away and I realize I’m not the only one who cares for you.

You are 7 weeks today. You survived probably the most crucial moments of your infant life – getting out of a tiny hole, leaving the comforts of your life in the womb and staying at the hospital a little bit longer because of jaundice and oh, don’t forget our struggle with your latch. I wouldn’t know which one was the most traumatic for you. Life is hard as a new mom but I’ll never know how hard it is for a newborn. I was heartbroken when you started refusing to breastfeed after experiencing the bottle. But I feel proud of you when I look at you now, happy as a clam with my milk and getting chubbier each day.

I haven’t had a decent sleep since you came and I don’t own my time anymore. I have become a 24/7 on-call caregiver and your rapid changes compel me to be flexible, to overlook chaos and forget stability – all these despite the lack of sleep and lack of experience. Yet, as my prize, I get to experience your smile, your funny attempts to express yourself through your coos and enjoy the scent of milk on your skin. I don’t know when I’ll have my next free time, but you are fed, clean, safe, sound and thriving – and I already feel more successful than Oprah. I pray multiple times each day for various seemingly petty reasons – that you would keep napping while I rush to have lunch or take a shower or that the snoring sound in your chest is not pneumonia. My prayers are not always for the small things, though, for I pray that you will live up to your name, Jhun David - be as loving and faithful like your grandfather Jun was and become a man after God’s own heart like King David in the Bible.

Your dad and perhaps, everyone else in the world think I have become a little crazy since I had you – worrying all the time and sometimes feeling responsible for every bug bite, every cold and every constipation that you go through as a baby. I got to tell you - my heart breaks a little every time you cry, every time you are trying hard to sleep but can’t because of stomach cramps or whenever I see a rash on your face. It is crazy but I think that’s what we call ‘love’. I haven’t experienced this kind before so it can be a little overwhelming. I am convinced that if I am not careful, this love could be dangerous to you at some point – if I express it in a way that would not give you room to grow and be the kind of man God has planned for you to be. Again, call me crazy but I am already picturing myself scolding you for refusing to make your bed, or for not doing your chores, or talking you out of an unhealthy relationship with a girl one day. If someday, you might break a woman’s heart, remember that mine was the first you broke. Yet, I want you to remember that I will always be there for you, no matter what.  

I am praying for you Jhun because even though I feel like I am your Wonder Woman, I know I cannot always shield you from the ugly sides of life. I pray that you will be a Superman to many people, by God’s grace and according to His will and purpose for your life. If one day, you might doubt your worth as a person, remember these days when God did not only express His love for you by compelling me and your dad to take care of you despite all the challenges, but projected His very being through your existence. You are worth my back pains, this drool on my shoulder, my aching breasts, these stretchmarks and these tired eyes. I got to go now, to check whether you didn’t roll over the bed and suffocated yourself.

Your crazy mom,

Jill

                                                                                                                                                

Why Does Evil Exist in the World?

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“If God exists and he is supposed to be all-knowing, all-powerful and all-good, why does he allow evil to exist in the world?” This is perhaps one of the popular questions most people are startled with when they think about God. For the sake of discussion, the god I am talking about is the Christian God. This is a very sensitive topic and I will try my best to attempt to answer that based on my readings, my discussions with religious people and my Philosophy of Religion course.

Much of the reason evil exists in the world has to do with God having taken the risks of giving freewill to mankind from the very start. I believe God gave Adam and Eve this freewill, otherwise, they wouldn’t have chosen to eat the forbidden fruit. That God allows His people to make moral choices – good or evil, is important in the authentic relationship He wanted and wants to establish with them. Would you call it a real relationship if God causally determined everything that you think, do or say? “Why does God want a relationship in the first place,” you might ask. A relationship springs from love. Love – the good and pure kind of love proactively seeks and maintains relationship. God is love (1 John 4:8). That is not romantic. That is the truth. So, even when the first parents (Adam and Eve) brought evil and suffering into the world, God still could not take away the freewill that he designed men and women with – even if that means freewill is being used by many to perform evil deeds. Think genocide, slavery, wars, diseases, abuse of all kinds, murder, rape – name it or just look at your own life. People steal from you; say nasty words against you and the saddest part is that the people who are closest to you are the most prone to hurting you the most. Does God know what you are going through? Yes He does (Matthew 10:29-31). God understood and He still understands the heavy burdens of being human so He provided a way for them to deal with evil the best way that they can by sending His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross to pay the penalty for their sins (1 Peter 2:24). If you accept this truth in your life, you will be totally set free from the powers of evil after you die; instead, you will enjoy eternity with God in heaven. Accepting this truth also means that God’s grace has sealed up the gaps between the existence of Jesus in your heart and your constant struggle against sin and evil. This means that once Jesus is in your life, you will have the power to overcome both (Romans 6:18). You will not be sinless – you will just want to sin less and you are always assured of heaven (1 John 5:11-13).

There are times too that good things happen as a result of some evil inflicted to us in the past or as a result of our own evil choices (Romans 8:28). Sometime along my Christian journey, I once blew it big time (not that I didn’t sin every day) but my own mistake compelled me to seek help and go through a painful yet redemptive process of spiritual and emotional healing. That experience showed me the depth of God’s grace and strengthened my relationships with people. But just because we can’t seem to see a good reason behind the evil does not mean that there is none (Proverbs 3:5).  In heaven, it will all make sense or if God does not explain it to you once you are there, you probably won’t mind because you are awestruck by its grandeur, overwhelmed by the glory of God, amazed that the time has come when God has finally wiped the tears from your eyes (Revelation 21:14). Evil and suffering, no matter how deep and long it is in your life is not the be all and end all of your story. There is hope. Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

Praying By Who God Is

img source: http://www.prayerforprisoners.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/A-Prayer-For-You.jpg

We are sometimes tempted to pray in the spirit of reminding God how good we have been for the past few days, past few months or even all our lives. We are tempted to think that perhaps God will be more favorable to us, more likely to say “Yes” to our prayers because of the many ways we think we have been obedient to Him. Yet this could be another form of pride, another way of buying God’s approval of our petitions. The truth is, yes God will bless our obedience and will certainly reward our faithfulness yet He will still bless us according to what He deems is good for us and for the accomplishment of His sovereign purpose. Our prayer in the first place is not a ticket to the fulfillment of OUR agenda, but of GOD’S. Prayer is first of all a realignment of our hearts and souls to His divine will so that we are made more united with Him. Prayer is not just for petition, it is for our relationship with Him. Therefore, our prayers should not tap on OUR goodness and OUR faithfulness but on GOD’s alone. (May 23, 2013)

God, The Most Misunderstood

img source: http://www.ransomfellowship.org/articleimages/Misunderstood.jpg

If there is one who has experienced the most unrequited love, it is God. If there is one lover who has waited so long for the object of His affection to reciprocate His love, it is God. If there is one crazy suitor who waits night and day for the pursued to receive His heart, it is God.

God said in 2 Timothy 2:13, “If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.” The world perhaps has been clouded over by so much lies spread by the father of them that the gap established by man between him and His creator has been too long, too thick, too far that God’s voice is lost in the turmoil, hazy in the loud music of the world’s confusion – of its lack of understanding of the loving God.

Yet God continues to speak. In fact, for many years, He has never stopped. He has been speaking in so many ways despite the hardened hearts and the deaf ears of the love of His life. Yet, he will continue doing so because that is who He is, that is what He does. He cannot disown Himself. (May 23, 2013)

Back to Love and Grace

img source: https://hischarisisenough.wordpress.com/2011/06/16/what-does-grace-do-for-a-believer/

There is a stage in a Christian’s life when he or she has discovered enough Biblical truths, has attended quite a number of Christian seminars and Bible schools and joined a bunch of Christian gatherings. At this point in one’s life, it becomes easy to point fingers at everybody else who the Bible describes as sinners and openly declare statements of faith typically out of a prideful motive. The Christian that proclaims Christ is now acting like a Pharisee. It is not easy to recognize when one is under this state – after all, the Christian is sanitized by the cozy and comfortable “fellowship” with like-minded believers every Sunday, praying for each other and often for protection against the world that is said to be persecuting them. The fact that the Christian has received Christ as Savior and Lord has somehow given him or her the license to easily pronounce judgments against everybody else who is different. The Christian who freely received grace and established relationship with God by it has practically refused to carry it out to the world that badly needs it.

These people – including myself every so often have chosen the ethical way instead of the loving way. We can always tell people what we believe. We can spend hours telling them Biblical truths assuming they haven’t heard of them before. We can spend years planning a conference to proclaim Christ’s love through an evangelistic concert. We can spend millions giving away Bibles or Christian books, tracks, etc. We can show them how many Bible verses we have memorized, stick the fish symbol of Christianity on the backs of our cars, wear WWJD bracelets and wear cross pendants. And yet will the world finally know Christ and stop perceiving Him as merely the good person, the wise prophet, a statue or a mere biblical character by these strategies alone? If we continue to minister to the broken world from a safe distance and replace discipleship through a loving, gracious relationship with long hours on the computer preparing for all sorts of church activities, are we still helping fulfill Christ’s Commission?

The world will continue to misunderstand Christ if we focus on looking righteous and eliminate being loving and gracious out of the equation. If we settle with sharing mere truth without love and grace, the Christian Church will remain to look like that – a church, just another religion. We may have forgotten that while Christ shared the truth, he also ate with sinners. While he rebuked, he also showed love. While he spent hours reaching out to a large crowd, he spent more alone with just a few – teaching and training them in the context of a heart to heart relationship. Love, grace, relationship, discipleship as practiced by Jesus turned the world downside up, not mere ethical practices, statements of faith, random criticisms based subtly on pride. Anyone can be ethical, even unbelievers can be excellent at adhering to universal moral standards but love and grace based on truth that come from a Christian’s heart can point people to Christ. According to Dwight L. Moody, “Of one hundred men, one will read the Bible; the ninety-nine will read the Christian.” (April 6, 2014)

Loving or Just Filling a Void?

img source: http://muneera.com/2013/05/slideshow/whats-in-your-water/

When we are being kind to the one we love, what are the chances that we are merely repressed and scared to challenge circumstances and materialize our fear of isolation? When we are being patient and silent and opt to say the good words instead of the bad ones, what are the chances that we just hate changes and that we’d rather live peacefully with those we are not even at peace with? Could it be that we are merely preserving ourselves when we refuse to hurt them and try our best to prove that we are the real deal and always will be? Could it be that we are too scared of a broken relationship in the future that we’d rather have our partner be the antagonist so just in case, we won’t have anything else to think about but move on? When we try to be good to them, is it because we care or are we simply trying to keep them because they fill a void in our lives?

There is a thin line between loving others well and using them to fill an empty space in our souls. I use the phrase “love others well” because I believe we are all capable of loving; some people just don’t know how to do it well. I still fail sometimes yet since I came to know the Lord Jesus, I have learned that loving others is not enough – I should do it well. The love I give to them must be an outflow of God’s love for me. The popular way of loving though is the kind that sucks life out of somebody else, the kind that destroys rather than builds, the kind that kills rather than gives life.

We cannot give what we don’t have. The reason we are failing could be that we are drawing love out of an empty cistern. We have nothing more to give. We seem deprived of love ourselves yet we are disillusioned by the thought that we are heroes or heroines in somebody’s life, and have perhaps been possessed by the notion that our “love” is the drug they need. No pun intended.

To love well is to know what love really is. We could start with it being patient and kind according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. If you believe that it is otherwise, then perhaps this is not the thought you want to hear. When we love people, some may love us back, some may not but if we are to love well, the reciprocation should not be the motivation. We don’t love simply because it is exciting. We don’t love because we feel empty. We don’t love because life is a mess. We love because it is a God-given gift and privilege. We love because it is God’s command and it blesses others. We love for many good reasons and we love especially because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). He has so much love to give and he created our hearts to be capable of receiving it – we just need to open it up. 

Married Forever

img source: http://www.worksavelive.com/6-things-you-must-discuss-before-you-get-married/

I realized that to come to a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ is to pledge to stay delighted in Him despite any situation one is in. The essence of Christianity is not to devise one's own plans, manage one's own life outside the master plan of God and beg Him to bless them; the essence of Christianity is to be in constant communion with the Father by prayer, by reading His word and by living out His truths by grace through love whatever happens. It is to bask in who God is and allow one’s self to be a channel of His work in the world. Everything else falls secondary to what God wants so bad from us – our hearts, hearts that are generally committed to a lifetime of surrender to Him, a lifetime of commitment to be driven by His guidance.

When people reject Christianity, it may be that they don't want to be intimate with this God that appears to be unsafe because of his many surprises. The Lord is an adventurous God indeed. He takes people to roller coaster rides, to mountain hikes, to bungee jumping, to SCUBA diving and the like. He does not promise safety from bruises, cuts or falls but He promises that in the end, after all the adrenaline rush, one is eternally secure.

I cannot emphasize it enough that the essence of being a Christian is the relationship itself that which should go through thick and thin, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer. Yes, like that which requires the highest commitment mandated in Marriage. When we accept Jesus in our lives, we are married to Him - forever and ever. And if it is easier to understand the love expected to manifest between a husband and wife, then that is what I mean.

Choose well

image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Wedding_rings.jpg

Choose the one you will enter wedlock with

The one you will love forever..

For into this path,

There is no turning back

No u-turns, no pit stops

For the word: ‘Leave your father and mother and you will be one’ is true

You will be ONE

His character will blend with yours

Your habits will influence his

Your mindsets will merge and find a common place to settle

If they cannot agree, they will clash

No ONENESS can happen and you are better off alone

Your ways will fit together like puzzle pieces..

Like coffee and hot water

Water and water color

Oil and canvas

You and him as ONE will form another force, another personality, another being

This oneness has the potential to make or break…

To choose is to create a future and shape destiny

To build a generation, to prepare for eternity

Choose the one you will enter wedlock with

For through good and bad times, you have to stay

Otherwise, WEDLOCK you shouldn’t have entered

When Jesus Swerved

image source: http://kristinbeasley.blogspot.com/2011/07/jesus-defies-culture-woman-at-well.html

I like it when I am reached out to. Who doesn’t? By God’s grace, I have been helped by many people in many ways. But the kinds that left footprints in my heart are those that cost a lot to the one who did it. We all want to feel special and the moments I feel that I am are those when someone did something just for me, for my sake and good - not just taking me home because they’re heading in the same way; not just giving me stuff because they don’t need it anymore. Of course, these things are a blessing but you get what I mean.

Today, some incident made me feel unimportant and I will spare you the details. On my way home, I tried to recall one event the Bible might have about God paying particular interest in individuals, and God brought to mind the story of the woman at the well.

In that story, found in John chapter 4, it was clearly stated that Jesus had to go through Samaria (v.3) - taboo for a Jew to do since Jews were not supposed to associate with Samaritans. But Jesus went out of his way, broke racial barrier, disregarded social norms just to have a heart to heart talk with a woman from an outcast tribe – not just any woman, a woman with 5 husbands! Yet Jesus spared precious moments of his time telling her of the wonderful life in store for her.

That woman left the well a new person. A simple chat and her life was never the same. This is allegorical to moments when someone – no less than God himself goes out of his way to show His love, moments that instantly captivate my soul and change my life forever.

Jesus was tired from ministry that day, but he went to Samaria anyway. Samaria was out of his way, but he went there anyway. It was a path no Jew was supposed to go but he went there anyway. It was clearly out of his comfort zone but he chose that way anyway.

Every time I am tempted to feel insignificant, I should think twice and remember this account of the Bible - the day when Jesus swerved, went out of his way, didn’t care to be judged, did something out of His comfort zone just to reach out – to remind me that I am important, to make me feel that I am loved.

Extravagant God

some of the friends I met during the trip: Grace, Erika, Irene, Me, Joan and Yna

I went to Manila, my country's capital some weeks ago to do 3 things: process my passport renewal, bring home some of my stuff and get my license - sounds good enough to spend some money on. Despite my online-research-orientedness and my having friends who are passport experts, I realized the day before I was going to DFA that I couldn't do it because I didn't set an online appointment. I instantly remarked, "So what did I come here for?"

With one of the important plans cancelled, I wondered what God wanted to teach me by the experience. Instead of sulking, I chose to let it go and be happy meeting friends. As I did so, I went to and passed by significant places when I stayed there for 7 years. I passed by the building where I first worked as an English instructor, bringing back memories in a flash especially the day someone shared to me about Christ and when I decided to accept Him into my life. I realized my life has never been the same since then. I also visited my university which brought a cathartic feeling seeing those students cram with projects, at the same time a nostalgic longing for the joy of sharing intellectual thoughts in class. I passed by the area where I struggled through flood and travel hazards to and from school. I had lunch at the mall whose walls and restaurants became witnesses to my frustrations, loneliness, joys and victories. I also went to 3 other malls where I had met special friends who knows deep truths about my life, who knows my terrible mistakes but continues to lift me up and see me through.

I met several of the special people in my life - people I consider I have an authentic relationship with, people I had conflicts with before, who spoke hard truth to my face and vice versa, but who I also shared some of my deepest joys with and who journeyed with me through hard times. These are people who made life in the city not only easier but much more joyful and exciting.

At the airport's waiting area on my way back home, I met a friend's brother who offered me a cup of coffee (He may have sensed my need for some hot drink). Coffee is coffee but coffee becomes something else, like a diamond at 5:30 in the morning. Some minutes before boarding time, I met an old friend who I hadn't seen for years - the ex-boyfriend of my best friend in high school. He reminded me of my teenage years. And I will spare you the details of how insecure and inferior I was back then.

That trip had been both cathartic and nostalgic - but all together forming a feeling inside that tells me how much blessed I am for how God has guided me through the years. The free coffee reminded me of His mini surprises that warm my heart; the failed passport renewal - that everything will be okay even if our plans don't work out the way we want them. I am just glad I hadn't missed these symbols.  If God had to have me spend money just to have a feel of it, to make me feel guided and loved and cared for, He would do it. That's how extravagant He could get - in pursuit of love, in pursuit of me.

Empty-handed Love

When my sister's family decided to move out to Mindanao, my 2 year-old niece, Theara was left with no other playmate - but ME. To my delight, she would come to my room early morning, wake me up and say breakfast is ready. She would watch me put make up on my face and force me to put some on hers. She would cry if I left to go somewhere and would yell out to say goodbye, I love you and don't forget to buy Mentos! When she got hurt, she would run to me and let me wipe away her tears. She would lay in my arms and listen to me tell her stories.

After a month, my sister's family came back and so did Theara's playmates. In the morning, I would realize I woke up late because the one who used to wake me up is now playing with my nephews outside. While they're busy role-playing, imagining scenarios, producing sound effects for planes crashing; while they're running everywhere laughing, sometimes fighting, I would just stand there and watch. Theara would never approach me anymore to say how beautiful my hair is or how much she liked my dress. I don't know what happened to her but for some reason, she would not let me hug and kiss her. She doesn't care anymore if I left for work. She is busy. She has her friends now.

Today, I came home with a huge announcement to the kids asking who wants to come to the store with me later to buy candies. All of them said a loud YES. I hugged Theara asking what she wants and with twinkle in her eyes, she enumerated the candies she wanted. I felt warmth in my heart. There's this special intimate feeling that only children can give - and I felt that again with her at that time. 

It dawned on me that I sometimes have to give material things to them to show my love and intimate feelings. And then I remembered God. Many times have God blessed me with good things that I was sure He was using to draw me close to Him. My laptop, printer, Ipod, bicycle, rubber shoes and even that dinner treat that satisfied not only my stomach but my soul through the company of good friends - that money from a friend that seemed like a gift dropped straight from heaven - that listening ear of a friend or that book that changed my life. 

But sometimes, God comes empty-handed. 

Life suddenly becomes a mess and I become just flat broke or something goes wrong with my relationships or my job. Then I am left with no choice but to gaze at the giver of all things. Seeing the tears in my eyes, He would tell me He is everything I need and I've got everything I need to not only survive but live an abundant life. In fact, I am blessed by Him this way. And I feel better after crying in His presence - not because I am made richer or a miracle happened in my relationships or my job - but I feel loved by no less than the Creator of the universe and beyond.

I sure love it when Theara finally hugs and kisses me because of my candies, but I will always love it more when she does it even without them. 

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"When our deepest desire is n0t the THINGS of God,or a FAVOR fr0m God,but GOD himself,we cr0ss a thresh0ld." - Max Lucado

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the  circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (Philippians 4:11-12)

Life with You

Life with You is not always a mat on a meadow,

but at times a hanging bridge between two high mountains

Not a storm-free journey into the wild,

but a boat unsinkable by wind and waves

Life with You is not a tearless pursuit,

or a smooth road deprived of danger

it is a jump from a plane with just the wind for support

or a boat ride in the midst of a storm

With you, I'm a Fiona you would free from the tower

a Rapunzel you would die for

at the same time a Joan of Arc or Queen Elizabeth I

you would send to battle

You let life remain unsafe

yet you don't cease to be my fortress

I am not immuned to pain and danger

but my hope in You gives it a lot of sense

Life isn't always nice but You said 

"Cheer up! I have overcome the world."

And that makes all the difference...

-JCR (10/14/2011)

Let Me

 image source: http://www.atlagemgmtmed.com/about/about/overview.php

Let my heart be content, that I might search no more
rested in your arms, delighted in your presence
Let not my soul forget that I am wedded to you
my mind and my spirit captured by your beauty

Let me use my life to make yours be known
so that slaves are freed, bondages are broken
Let me walk on paths that will lead only to you
and pursue ways that make you glad

Let my words be about your grace
my thoughts be of your goodness
Let me go through pain if that will draw me to you
through loneliness that I might feel your comfort

Let me forget the aching desires of my flesh
that your sufficient love might fill my every space
Let me look past my hardships that I might look to your strength
and my inadequacies that I might trust in your sufficiency

-JCR (October 9, 2011)

ALWAYS

ALWAYS

by Hillsong

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus:
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You
Oh with you

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus (x2):
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Oh God, I wanna be with you
I wanna be with you
(x2)

Oh Jesus!

'Cause all I wanna do
is just be with you
I love you Lord! I love you Lord!

Ever I will seek you... (x4)

Chorus (x2):
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Oh God, I wanna be with you
I wanna be with you
(x2)

Oh, Oh, Jesus

In the Name of Love

I recently watched the Filipino film, “In the Name of Love” – a story of a man and woman in love and were separated by unfortunate events of life. After some years, they reunited, found out they were still in love with each other – but at a time when the woman was already engaged to another man. To make the long story short, they tried to fight for their love with the two men getting shot in the end. My heart was racing watching the man (who the woman was in love with) trying to save the woman’s life and getting shot as a result. My heart ached thinking it might be the end of their love story. I was about to enter into a cathartic moment as tears started to well up in my eyes, when shortly, I took a sigh of relief after seeing that the man was alive.

My tears turned into joy as I watched the two lovers riding off to happily ever after to the tune of a nice love song. Shortly after, though, I realized the film had not been careful at leading my emotions. It was a tragedy from the very beginning – but a fairytale in the end. After building up heavy drama in my heart, it would tell it to not shed a tear. Then I realized I wanted the movie to stop at the death scene. It didn't, so I found myself searching for a sense of resolution - one the movie had not given me and this is where the real tragedy happens.

I like happy endings – please don’t get me wrong. I even watch Disney films and like the 3D animated parody of Romeo and Juliet (Gnomeo and Juliet) which changed the tragic ending to a happy one.

But “In the Name of Love” should have been faithful to its theme. In the name of love, people would risk dying and hurting and letting go of something precious. That was my time to cry – but the movie didn’t let me. It soothed the pain of my heart in a bad way. I didn’t need a happy ending – I needed to cry.

What’s wrong with a tragic movie? If it had been so till the end though, Aga and Angel fanatics would have hated it.


I wonder when Filipinos would be ready for a catharsis – when we will outgrow our fantasies, our happily ever after’s.

We always find reasons to hope and celebrate – but sometimes, the best way to do so is first to face tragedy as it is – grieve over it and to look at it in the face instead of sugarcoating everything with laughter because laughter is not always the best medicine. 

My First Literature Teacher

One of the things I will forever thank my mom for is how she exposed me, at a very young age, to the world of literature, or should I say, how she began to expose me to the world through literature. When my sister and I were little, she would have us rest in her arms before going to bed or during siesta time, to tell us the story of the monkey and the turtle, the rabbit and the turtle, and many other short stories.When I turned five, she would sometimes come home from running errands and surprise me with a storybook. The first one she got me was William Tell. She wouldn't just buy me books, she would read them to me. One of my favorites was Little Red Riding Hood. My mother is neither a professional teacher nor an actress, but she would read the lines with feelings (sound effects and all) that I easily transcended to many places, with different characters, learning different life lessons. One day, she bought me and my sister a volume of fairy tales that came with a tape and a book. We would read the book together while listening to the tape. Until now, the voice of Rapunzel's prince still rings in my mind: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!"

So at a young age, I learned that heroes naturally co-exist with villains and that I should identify myself with the hero or heroine who will always pursue goodness and righteousness.

My mother does not read stories to me now that I am 25, but what my mother did to me when I was young indeed opened my mind to the big world, to different kinds of people, to unexpected events and to the knowledge that we have to be victorious in life. When I am going through something, I say to myself: "When this is over, I'll be stronger and wiser."

I am still a work in progress in terms of learning how to live life but now that literature has been a part of my life, the possibilities are endless.

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Thank you, Mama Carmen. You are the best Mom in the world! I love you...

From Adam's Rib

by Jill Christianae on Sunday, September 26, 2010 at 10:39pm
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Responding to some unexplainable urgency to read the Bible today, I decided to read Genesis again. I have read it before but today God has given me fresh wisdom and insights,specifically about meeting my lifetime partner.

Genesis 2:15-20 says:

15 The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. 16 But the Lord God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden—17 except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.” 18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” 19 So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man[c] to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. 20 He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs[d] and closed up the opening. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. 23 “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” 24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. 25 Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Verse 18 speaks of God's decision to provide a partner for Adam. I expected that from verse 19 will be details of Adam meeting Eve, but no. From verse 19 - 20, the Bible describes how God made Adam name all the creatures around him. This to me describes the work-orientation of man, their delight in succeeding, seeing results and innovating. Somehow, in the course of a life of working, man realizes that he needs a partner. The last sentence of verse 20 says, "But still there was no helper just right for him."

"Helper" is the term used in the Bible, neither lover, nor girlfriend. It dawned on me then and it becomes even clearer as I write, that God's first purpose for joining two people as husband and wife is to HELP each other. Help doing what? Remember that the help came out from the context of Adam naming the creatures. Therefore, Eve being the helper of Adam and Adam being helped by Eve tells us that husband and wife must work together for a specific purpose, at a certain time, in a specific place, also known as calling. In the time of Adam and Eve, it was naming the creatures, tending Eden, watching over it, etc. (v.15). This is a calling not only for an individual but for a couple. In verse 21, we see that God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. I ask, "Why didn't God give Eve to him while he was awake?" We notice that it is not just a sleep, it was a DEEP sleep. What happens in a deep sleep? Well, deep sleep simply means the absence of discomfort while sleeping because the body and mind are in a relaxed condition. This event in the Bible tells us that man has to relax in waiting for his partner because God is the one who orchestrates everything. We notice in verse 21-22 that God did so while Adam simply had to be in a deep sleep. This is a picture of Adam resting from his minsitry of naming creatures and tending Eden. God provided Eve for Adam while Adam was pursuing his calling, which reminds me that as a single christian, my first priority is to pursue my calling and God will take care of the rest including providing my lifetime partner. After all, God is a creative God who will work wonders in my life/relationships like how He wonderfully formed Eve out of Adam's ribs.

It is not new knowledge that Eve was formed from Adam's rib. But I asked, "Of all the body parts, why the ribs?" There could be many reasons why God chose the rib but God revealed to me that this rib formation illustrates the one to one relationship of a husband and wife, meaning that I, a woman like Eve is paired by God to only one rib, to only one man.This is a cliche but this means that there is only one man for me. God will bring me to his side and I don't need to do the orchestration on my own nor should I pray for God to make a man (who appears to be the perfect catch) be the one because long before, He had already prepared 'the one' for me.

Like Adam, my role is to wait, relax and make sure that when I am brought to the side of my Adam, I would love the helping role I would be playing. In other words, the best indication that he is the one is that we have the same calling and we could spend the rest of our lives not only enjoying each other, raising a family or preparing for a retirement, but 'helping each other out' in the purpose God has called us for. This truth should make me become still, relaxed and free to follow the direction God has set out for me. After all, Life is about God and His purpose and the rest, including my lifetime partner, are the details.

Love in Silence

by Jill Christianae on Wednesday, September 29, 2010 at 9:48am
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Many people think that Love has to always manifest itself in proactive ways. When one person cries, the other automatically feels urged to sit by him/her and offer some sort of comfort either by offering tissue, by giving a hug or by saying nice words.

But sometimes, the best way to show love is to allow people to grieve alone for a time, to absent ourselves from their lives even in the midst of their pain. It is rooted in believing that theirs is the voice they should listen to first and then the voice of God and then if necessary, ours’.

Most of the time, what we tell people is something they already know and most of the time, God has something else to say. Most of the time, the root of the pain is left ignored, not because no one has spoken, but because many have.

By Jill Rendon (09.25.2010)

My 10-minute Essay About One-way Love

by Jill Christianae on Saturday, September 25, 2010 at 11:14pm
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Loving someone without the guarantee that he/she is ever going to love you back is one of the biggest risks any person has to take in life. This is because Love is an expensive thing to give. First of all, to contradict my previous statement, it is not just a thing, it is an emotion, a sacrifice that would require one to give so much.

If we are talking about an unconditional love, loving without expecting to be loved in return may be too ideal, but is the way to go. You love simply because you think you should and not only because your emotion drives you to do so.

Loving the other person in a one-way set-up has to include the factor of preparing yourself to let go which means that you are not bound to any expectation the other person may not meet.

Remember, it is an unrequited love.. a selfless love.. therefore, it is extravagant, adventurous, overflowing, humble and most of all, liberating..

But before talking about loving others, we have to think of what love really is. Love is not only a feeling. It is a responsibility. It is therefore bound by certain rules and certain laws. Loving someone in some specific level while breaking certain rules of this life, is therefore a questionable manner of loving someone.

We should not only love without expecting anything return. We have to love others in the right way and make sure that the love that we have for and show to them will be for their best interest.

In Love

by Jill Christianae on Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 2:42pm
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I am so in love with You,
I am afraid I will knock over things

I am scared,
everyone else will look like You...

I am so in love with You,
I am afraid I will not stop talking about You

I am scared,
everyone will think I'm crazy,
seeing me smile at my enemies,
handshaking with danger...

I am so in love with You,
I have to check if my feet are still on the ground,
or if my words are making sense,
or if I am doing the right things or doing things right

I am so in love with You,
that I have to express it in many ways,
by songs, by poems like this
otherwise, I might explode...

I am so in love with You,
I think I can die now..
and when I awake in heaven,
yours is the face I will see...

I am so in love with You...
I know You are in love with me too...
and even more than I could ever do...