On Mental Health

 

img source: https://www.clemson.edu/campus-life/healthy-campus/images/MentalHealth.jpeg

I love my sons and husband to death and for the most part, I love not working outside of the home at the moment. But I’ll be honest - there are times when I get extremely bored and overwhelmed at the same time. These are often combined with feelings of depression and anxiety. It feels like falling in a mud pit and nothing seems that interesting. Not even a chocolate doughnut or a Netflix marathon (In fact, I found that too much of this makes it worse!). All of a sudden, it feels like a huge project to take the dog out or do the dishes. Then I begin to ask why I suddenly feel so down and immediately I start to think whether my thyroid levels are off, or whether I am not exercising enough or whether my binge eating has finally taken a toll on my mental health. Realizing that I could answer yes or no to many of these things, I have confirmed that my well-being is dependent on a variety of things.

GOOD OL’ EXERCISE - I sincerely believe that we were designed to thrive through regular movement - ideally outside of the house where the sun can shine on our bodies and the fresh air can rejuvenate our lungs. Without the good ol’ exercise, our health which includes our mental health will have a hard time working properly.

GOOD FOOD - There is so much food out there that should not have been allowed for consumption in the first place. These food are not real food and they make people sick not only physically, but mentally. I am talking about food with 10,000 ingredients that are hard to pronounce and will last 10 years on the shelf. I will be honest that food is one of my weaknesses. I simply love to eat - and yes, sometimes, even food that are bad. I tend to binge-eat these crappy food products when I have bad feelings or when I feel bored. Choosing to eat good healthy food is definitely a step in the right direction.

HOBBY - As a mom, it is very easy to get drowned in a sea of routines and chores day in and day out. However, I believe that people were designed to be creative and to engage in activities that interest them. Sometimes, it is better to let the laundry wait and spend an hour or so feeding your soul by engaging in art, music and other areas of interest. It is taking one step back to be able to take many steps forward in everything else.

FAITH - As a Christian believer, my faith is a powerful force in my life. When all else fails, this is my safety net and my catch-all-else (for computer programmers, wink, wink). God affirms my existence and loves me to the core. I like how C.S. Lewis says it, “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” In simple words, it does your soul good to believe in God.

PURPOSE - I believe that a sense of this is crucial in everyone’s lives. I am convinced that this is foundational for a joyful and satisfying existence. This will motivate you to keep going every day despite all the challenges that life brings.

Life is hard and seeing a doctor for their mental health may be the best route to take for some people. If you sometimes go through episodes of depression, I encourage you to consider the things I have mentioned above. Take a deep breath and know that you are worthy to not only exist in the world, but to thrive and be amazingly satisfied.

 

My First Letter to My Son

Dear Jhun,

I am writing you now because one day, things are going to change and it will seem like yesterday when you and I spent one of the craziest stages of our lives, as a new mom and a new baby. As I write, you are spending time with your dad. Yes, there is life outside mommy and I have to keep reminding myself that. Sometimes, I have to rationally tell myself that you are safe with him every time I have to back off so you can have your ‘men time’. He is ecstatic about having you in his life too. It also takes effort for me to trust friends who offer to hold you. Call me crazy but at times, images enter my mind, of them dropping you on the floor or letting you roll off the hill in your stroller, but I am still sane, so the images go away and I realize I’m not the only one who cares for you.

You are 7 weeks today. You survived probably the most crucial moments of your infant life – getting out of a tiny hole, leaving the comforts of your life in the womb and staying at the hospital a little bit longer because of jaundice and oh, don’t forget our struggle with your latch. I wouldn’t know which one was the most traumatic for you. Life is hard as a new mom but I’ll never know how hard it is for a newborn. I was heartbroken when you started refusing to breastfeed after experiencing the bottle. But I feel proud of you when I look at you now, happy as a clam with my milk and getting chubbier each day.

I haven’t had a decent sleep since you came and I don’t own my time anymore. I have become a 24/7 on-call caregiver and your rapid changes compel me to be flexible, to overlook chaos and forget stability – all these despite the lack of sleep and lack of experience. Yet, as my prize, I get to experience your smile, your funny attempts to express yourself through your coos and enjoy the scent of milk on your skin. I don’t know when I’ll have my next free time, but you are fed, clean, safe, sound and thriving – and I already feel more successful than Oprah. I pray multiple times each day for various seemingly petty reasons – that you would keep napping while I rush to have lunch or take a shower or that the snoring sound in your chest is not pneumonia. My prayers are not always for the small things, though, for I pray that you will live up to your name, Jhun David - be as loving and faithful like your grandfather Jun was and become a man after God’s own heart like King David in the Bible.

Your dad and perhaps, everyone else in the world think I have become a little crazy since I had you – worrying all the time and sometimes feeling responsible for every bug bite, every cold and every constipation that you go through as a baby. I got to tell you - my heart breaks a little every time you cry, every time you are trying hard to sleep but can’t because of stomach cramps or whenever I see a rash on your face. It is crazy but I think that’s what we call ‘love’. I haven’t experienced this kind before so it can be a little overwhelming. I am convinced that if I am not careful, this love could be dangerous to you at some point – if I express it in a way that would not give you room to grow and be the kind of man God has planned for you to be. Again, call me crazy but I am already picturing myself scolding you for refusing to make your bed, or for not doing your chores, or talking you out of an unhealthy relationship with a girl one day. If someday, you might break a woman’s heart, remember that mine was the first you broke. Yet, I want you to remember that I will always be there for you, no matter what.  

I am praying for you Jhun because even though I feel like I am your Wonder Woman, I know I cannot always shield you from the ugly sides of life. I pray that you will be a Superman to many people, by God’s grace and according to His will and purpose for your life. If one day, you might doubt your worth as a person, remember these days when God did not only express His love for you by compelling me and your dad to take care of you despite all the challenges, but projected His very being through your existence. You are worth my back pains, this drool on my shoulder, my aching breasts, these stretchmarks and these tired eyes. I got to go now, to check whether you didn’t roll over the bed and suffocated yourself.

Your crazy mom,

Jill