The Vacuum

here we go.. mm.. nothing much to say today... i guess we all come to a point in life when silence is the best language and no one else can understand our inner yells but God.. yes, it's all about Him in my life... I used to be the emotional type of person, one who enjoyed conflicts, pains, relationship problems... I was hurt, of course I was... but my poems, my stories and essays gave me an avenue for expression... i was writing.. Yes, I believe I could write and I've always wanted to do so (but this is beside the point)... and somehow, I was doing so at the expense of myself... I WAS IN THE DARK and I didn't know it was swallowing me... and killing me... but I was enjoying it... what with all the friends I could drink with till the night was over and who I could party with only to realize after a painful hang-over that the PAIN has not really been quenched by the shots of tequila or the smooth taste of gin... No, it was more than just PAIN.. it was a hole... like a huge vacuum that longed to be filled.... I was with friends who themselves were confused.... about life, love, and people, people who also have the VACUUM....

in my life now and for eternity, it will always be about GOD.... not because I'm a sentimental fool or a frustrated writer or because I need LOVE (like all people do)... but because He is the LIGHT I had unconsciously always needed.... to make me stop GROPING in the DARK and bump into all those annoying and meaningless things about life and everything....

I share JESUS to others not only because I'm a CAMPUS CRUSADE for CHRIST... not only because God says so but because, like a girlfriend that wants to introduce her soul mate to the world, I want others to experience HIM.... and make HIM fill that VACUUM...

I wish people would do away with the misconception that GOD is SANTA CLAUSE... who we remember only at a certain season in our lives, or merely a 911 hotline that we dial when someone is out to kill us... Of course, He provides and He helps... but God is more than that... God's will is not only to help us with problems. There is nothing wrong with asking God to help us with studies, or our personal life but what God wants is for us to not only make HIM be a part of our lives but be the CENTER of it... and actually know Him.... to truly know Him like a father... a bestfriend, a husband....

I just realized that he more I know God and the more I experience His goodness and gentleness and faithfulness and the perfection of His being, the more I want to tell others about Him...

Now, I am the type of person that likes to think a lot... to write... and play with words.. and this is how God connects with me.. He makes me enjoy Him in my way, in the way that He designed me to enjoy things.... Now people have to understand that the Christian life is more than just praise and worship songs, all those messages and all those people who have all those Christian convictions... it's a vital personal fellowship with the GOD.. with the GOD who likes poems like me, who likes to sing and dance... who likes beauty and is HIMSELF a BEAUTY.... because He created beauty...

Now these thoughts blow my mind...... like an ANT trying to process the feeling of being liked and actually loved by a HUMAN...

The bottom line is THE REASON WHY I AM OUT TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT JESUS is the fact that I myself have experienced HIM and I tell you, there is much more to HIM than what most people think...

so start thinking about HIM... and your LIFE... do you feel or think that you have that VACUUM?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE 4 SPIRITUAL LAWS?

The Four Spiritual Laws

Law One: God loves you and offers a wonderful plan for your life.

God created you. Not only that, He loves you so much that he wants you to spend eternity with Him. Jesus said, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16).

Jesus came so that each of us could know and understand God in a personal way. Jesus alone can bring meaning and purpose to life.
What keeps us from Knowing God?
Would you like to know God personally?

Law Two: All of us are sinful and separated from God. Therefore we cannot know and experience God’s love and plan for our life.

The fact is, we need Jesus. The Bible says, "…all fall short of God’s glorious standard" (Romans 3:23b). Though God intended for us to have a relationship with Him, we naturally want to do things our own way. We’re stubborn, selfish, and frequently unable to follow through on our promises. Try as we might, we just keep stumbling.

Deep down, our attitude may be one of active rebellion or passive indifference, but it’s all evidence of what the Bible calls sin — an old archery term which literally means "missing the mark."

The Bible says the result of sin in our lives is death–spiritual separation from God (Romans 6:23). Although we may try to reach God through our own effort, we inevitably fail. We just can’t ever be good enough.
This diagram shows the great gap that exists between us and God. The arrows illustrate that we are always trying to reach God and find a meaningful life through our own efforts. We may try to do good things or adopt a new guiding philosophy–but we inevitably fail.

How can we bridge this gulf?

Law Three: Jesus Christ is God’s only provision for our sin. Through Him we can know and experience God’s love and plan for our life.

Jesus Christ is God’s solution to the problem of human imperfection and evil. Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, we don’t have to be separated from God any longer. Jesus paid the price for our sin and in so doing, bridged the gap between us and God.

Instead of trying harder to reach God, we simply need to accept Jesus and his sacrifice as the one way to God. "I am the way, the truth and the life," Jesus said. "No one can come to the Father except through me" (John 14:6). He also said, "I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish" (John 11:25-26).

But not only did Jesus die for our sin, He rose from the dead (1 Corinthians 15:3-6). When he did, he proved beyond doubt that he can rightfully promise eternal life–that he is the son of God and the only means by which we can know God.
Yet just having knowledge about God’s plans and purposes isn’t enough. We need to consciously accept Jesus Christ as the payment for our sin and welcome Him into our life.

It is not enough just to know these three truths…

Law Four: We must individually accept Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord; then we can know and experience God’s love and plan for our life.

The Bible says, "But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God" (John 1:12).
We accept Jesus by faith. The Bible says, "God saved you by his special favour when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it" (Ephesians 2:8,9).

Accepting Jesus means first believing that Jesus is who he claimed to be, then inviting him to take the control of our lives and make us into new people (John 3:1-8).

Jesus said, "I’m standing at the door and I’m knocking. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in" (Revelation 3:20).
How will you respond to God’s invitation? What will you do with the claims of Jesus Christ?

There are two kinds of lives:

Self-Directed Life
S-Self is on the throne
-Christ is outside the life
-Interests are directed by self, often
resulting in discord and frustration

Christ-Directed Life
-Christ is in the life and on the throne
S-Self is yielding to Christ,
resulting in harmony with God's plan
-Interests are directed by Christ,
resulting in harmony with God's plan

Which life do you have?
Which life would you want to have?

Begin a relationship with Jesus today

Choosing to submit your life to God is the most significant decision you can ever make.

This choice involves more than simple intellectual agreement that Jesus is God and that He died on the cross to pay the penalty for your sins. Becoming a Christian also requires that you commit the rest of your life to God, to do what He asks of you and to live in accordance with His principles. This decision is not something to be taken lightly. It requires sacrifice and a total reorientation of your life around God rather than yourself. As Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me" (Luke 9:23).
If you feel you are ready to make this commitment, you can do so right now by telling God you are sorry for your past mistakes, putting your trust in Him and asking Him to make you into the person He created you to be. This step involves faith. You probably still have a number of unanswered questions at this point. But you must be willing to make the decision based on what you know right now and trust God to fill in the details later.

The precise words you use to commit yourself to God are not important. He knows the intentions of your heart. Your prayer can be as simple as "Help!" or it can focus on an issue that is specific to your situation. If you are unsure of what to pray, use the following sample prayer to get started:

"Jesus, I want to know you. I want you to come into my life. I’m sorry for the things I’ve done that have broken my relationship with God. Thank you for dying on the cross so that this relationship could be made right. I believe You are the only One who can do this. Only You can give me the power to change and become the person You created me to be. Thank you for forgiving my past mistakes and for giving me eternal life with God. I give my life to You. Please do with it as You wish. Amen."

By praying the above prayer-or one similar to it-you have just taken a giant step toward making God the centre of your life. But these are just the words. What follows is a lifelong journey of change and growth as you get to know God better through Bible reading, prayer and interaction with other Christians.
If you prayed the prayer above and invited Jesus into your life, you’ve become a Christian–which means simply, "Christ in one."

My Mom Went Cyber

Monday, March 29, 2010 at 10:15pm

I asked my mom’s permission to publish this.

It was not until today that I saw how the Information Superhighway could be of any significance to my mom. She is not just into it. Tell her all the amazing things Facebook could do to reunite old friendships, how one could do away with long distance telephone fees in exchange for free, audio/visual livestream communication over Skype, and she will just tell you three words: “Oh I see,” and go back to her routines.

My mom belongs to the generation of walkers and of waiters or people who walked to school, to church, to anywhere because there was nothing to keep up with, and people who did not mind waiting: for letters to be sent, or for money to arrive.

I, on the other hand belong to the flat generation, when it does not matter if I am in the Philippines wanting to have a friend in Timbuktu. Making friends is now just a few clicks away. I have made many myself, especially in high school when the Internet was just becoming popular. I have tried cyberchatting a lot of times, many of which were just a way to kill time.

My mom chatted with one of her closest friends today. Just so she would appreciate cyberchatting, I volunteered to type for her and read the messages (with feelings). My mom would listen carefully and make comments like, “Oh really?” and I had to type just that. I could not leave out a word, otherwise, it would not sound like her. For my mom, verbal nods and mentioning of names matter, so I had to remember this. I had to relay different stories: updates, changes, sad and happy ones.

Then I had to do something else and my mom had to be the one typing now. I gave her the instructions: what to press and where to look. One time, I assured her that pressing “shift” instead of “enter” would not blow my laptop up. The lines on her forehead started to show up and she was thinking and typing aloud. She was slow at first, her friend might have thought our internet connection slowed down. After awhile, she made some progress. She typed faster and stopped asking me questions. She looked engaged, I had to discreetly warn my brothers not to mockingly laugh at her. She typed in complete words, with her oh-i-see’s and the like. She was in it for awhile until she had to go back to her routines: household chores and all.

But she would probably cyberchat again some time not because she has made a friend in a chatroom but because she has talked to an old one in it.

My Aunt Died Last Night

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 at 9:56am

My aunt died last night.

The moment I knew this, I started remembering our few moments together: nothing very intimate, often small talks, how she could cook delicious ampalaya minus the bitter taste and how she would love to receive love quotes through SMS from me.

I am a very busy person when it is not summer or Christmas. Ask my classmates and they will describe to you the sleepless nights we spend beating deadlines. If I can send text messages to anyone, it is either I need things badly: money, prayers or people to talk with or I am accountable for and to some people and I haven’t talked to them for months.

Every time I come home and see her in family gatherings, I am reminded of her desire to receive love quotes from me.

Now that she is dead, I wonder whether I had been too busy with trivial matters, I failed to do the more important ones. My aunt died and I am very sad not only because I can’t see her anymore, but because I will never know how her life really went, and what it might have become had I spent a few seconds, and a peso every day to check her out and make her smile with my love quotes.

To NANG HAYLEN, I love you.. I wish I had told you this while I still could.

It Does Not Have To Be Like That

image source: http://stay-at-homemomwhoknew.blogspot.com/2011/12/hope.html

Thursday, June 17, 2010 at 10:01pm

It does not take a genius to believe that there is more than what meets the eye.

I believe this. And if I were a stranger and look at myself, I would not know who I was and how I have become who I am now.

Because I am not the same person anymore, it is very real to me how change is possible to anyone, anywhere...

I am perfectly aware that if a stranger would talk to me, he/she would not know of my struggles in high school, my drink-till-you-drop nights out with friends (I used to be the one asking friends out for a drink.), my experiments with cigarettes (I smoked because it looked cool, specially in a bar like Prince of Jaipur, rubbing elbows with the stars), or my relationships (my co-dependent, clingy ones...).

Now I know that life does not have to be a constant struggle...of endless wondering if it has any meaning after all..

In life, we remain to be restless if our hearts are left wandering and searching.. For in each one's heart is a storm... and I'm not that very old, but I have tried different sorts of umbrellas and coats to shelter myself from it... but it comes scary with thunder and lightning.. and it's like being in a crowd but still feeling alone...

I have tried crying until my tears are dried up and no one could even hear me...

I have tried following my heart... I tried loving my way...

But the answer was not there...

I would look at myself in the mirror many years ago and I did not like what I saw..

I had my share of glorious achievements but still, life remained pointless...

I look at myself now and I like what I see... not because I have the face of Heidi Klum or Angelina Jolie's body (which is of course, just an example :)), but because through the deep way God has worked in my life, I have started coming to terms with who I am inside, and how God values me... that with or without other people's comments, I am a beauty..

I look at the work of my hands and I delight in the fruit of my labor, not because I am the richest woman alive or I have the brain of Einstein (another example :)), but because I have finally appreciated being able to do things: to live, to love, to serve, to learn, to teach...

Life does not have to be that bad... It sure is difficult sometimes (it's a storm remember?) but with God walking with me every day, it's not just a safe walk, like a fun stroll at the beach, but an adventure in the midst of any storm (even if it's the Ondoy-type).

Me in Passion Manila 2010

Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 1:47am

I just arrived from Passion Manila 2010, a world tour concert of Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio. Before the worship concert started, I prayed to God in three words: “God, surprise me.” Upon realizing that worship is not for me to feel good but to ultimately give praise to God, I added: "And I want to do this simply because you deserve it." I didn't know all the new songs sung in the concert, but I just found myself singing along with my heart warming up with praises to God. I felt Him, being worshipped by thousands of us, there in Araneta Coliseum, me being just one of them. Chris Tomlin could only imagine how the song that went "Your Grace is enough..." could have sent warm ripples around my heart, but in the middle of that noisy crowd, with God being the Star, He told me that He is looking at me, listening to my songs of worship. And that just made tears well up in my eyes. I have this thing about famous people. I do believe that at some point in everyone's life, there is this fame moment when everyone's attention is on you, like in a bridal march, in a graduation speech, and the like. And that sometimes, people close to us forget us, at moments like this. But God is so different, I realized. I could see Him as that one big God who created everything and yet, He blows my mind by telling me that in the middle of a crowd of millions, He can hear my voice: my not very good singing voice. The words in one of the songs went: "Your grace is enough.." and Yes, I realized, this is true. I may have a lot of concerns about my life but God did not spare His only Son, Jesus for me; How could He not take care of everything I need? Then at that moment I just sang to God with tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't have everything the world desires: money, fame or power, but that insight has told me it matters less. What matters is that I have a God like Jesus and I have everything I need. It feels like being in a romantic relationship; Nothing else matters but the Love that exists between the two people in love. I used to think God's pursuit of me is limited by time, like a vacation leave, or an off day, or a day at the spa.. but no, I realized, as long as I live God will keep on pursuing me. He will woo me with His love: with songs, with His unexpected revelations, with people around me, in many different ways. How can I say "No" to this lover?

My Nephew Who Sporadically Smiles

Wednesday, April 21, 2010 at 8:04pm

I am the type of person who likes to capture moments, sometimes by a camera phone or by writing. Today, I am going to make an attempt to encapsulate in words from my memory the moment I had with my one year old nephew.

His name is NJ. He is a one year old baby who does not smile a lot. The moment he does, the person babysitting him calls other people in the house to look at him and marvel at such a sight. My mom or my sister would sometimes scream for someone’s camera to be at him. Sometimes I would catch Gina, NJ’s regular babysitter smiling with delight at the look at his sporadic smile and sealing the moment with a kiss.

One time, however, I was tasked to look after him. Now, this to me was a big challenge. Besides his very sensitive mood, NJ is heavy, which means that if he cried and if I had to carry him in my arms, it would be like being in a gym lifting weights, for me. He also likes toys that are not real toys. He likes the real things: dvd players, remote controls, etc. So one would either have to think about preventing him from getting electrocuted or a thing from getting broken. Another reason is that I am not used to babysitting anymore. I have lived independently for about six years now in a life, not involving kids, let alone babies. Watching over NJ should be quite a challenge. So at this time, I had to begin by not making him notice that his mom was gone and it was just me and him in the room. I tried to find a “toy” for him but all I could see were toys. I was, however, in the process of finishing my chocolate chip cookies when his mom asked me to watch over him. So I gave him one. He looked at it for awhile and held it in his tiny hand. He took a bite and said “yum, yum,” took another bite and looked at me, looked at the cookie and took another bite. Brown crumbs started spreading around his mouth and falling off it. Some were on his shirt. His bites became faster and he would look at the cookie from time to time as if asking himself what in the world those cookies are made of. He finally lied down and I thought he would cry, but he didn’t. The cookie now was held by his hand in a clumsy way, I had to help him securely grasp it. He would bite and chew and make that yum yum sound frequently. His six white teeth were now covered with brown crumbs. Then he uttered, “uh” as if asking me to look at the cookie. He took another bite and uttered, “yum, yum, yum” (Now I know why delicious sounds like that). I wanted to get a camera. I wanted to share my joy with other people and be able to show them proof that it really happened. But I realized that, that moment is just between me and him. I told his mom about it and she sighed in appreciation but she will never ever share the joy I had with my one year old nephew, who seldom smiles but has just shown me that even babies like that can appreciate cookies, will not mind to look dirty with crumbs all over the face and will freely express it with words like “yum, yum”.

Fear Factor

Tuesday, April 20, 2010 at 4:22pm

I already wrote about my ziplining experience last March. I described there how excited I was to be 250 m above the river and that I suddenly realized I had fear of heights and decided to close my eyes until I was greeted by two men telling me I wasted the whole experience. Not wanting to agree with them, I opened my eyes on the way back.

What I did not describe in detail was what really transpired before I finally had the guts to open them. I seriously prayed. I told God that I was so scared, that I was embarrassed, and that I wanted to try again. I heard a voice that said, “It is okay to quit.”

I could not believe this was the voice of God so I quieted myself for awhile and sincerely asked Him to speak to me, to tell me whether or not I would find myself shattered among the rocks below if I do it. Then I swore I would hang on to that word, despite my fear, despite any negative feeling I was having at that moment. “Tell me anything Lord and I’ll believe it.”

There was a voice that said, “It is okay. You will be safe. I will be with you.”

The sight of the rocks below and the harness and ropes that literally supported my life, did not convince me this was true. But I realized that if that conviction really came from God then I could hang on to it regardless of any feeling, sight or condition. So I asked God again, “is it you speaking to me? Not my ego telling me to save myself from another embarrassment?” Then I felt peace in my heart and I was convinced that it was He.

With arms stretched and eyes wide opened, I got on that zipline again. I felt like a bird for 40 seconds and the sight of nature swept off all the fears away. I did not only survive it, I enjoyed it.

That experience made me realize that God wants me to enjoy life and not only survive it, that I need to listen to that tiny voice inside me so that I could look at fear and discouragement in the eye and tell it to back off simply because I know in my heart that I would win, not because I am strong but because God is.

An Old High School Poem

Monday, April 19, 2010 at 11:26am

I went through my old stuff today and I found this old poem i wrote in high school.. Just wanna share it:

You came into my life and made me smile
No one owned you but me
Your laughter, your tears, they were all mine
But I didn't mind coz I was blind

What took so long for me eyes to see
that your love was all in me
And now I miss the things you do
No matter what I do, I just can't forget you

My Early Morning Walk

Sunday, April 11, 2010 at 2:56pm

I went for a long walk today. Started out at 5:30 A.M. and arrived back home after an hour. Had I been some place else like Manila, I would not have bothered, but just a few more weeks from now and I am back to my busy life in the city. My hometown is in Bohol and every time I am here, I always feel like a first-timer. My family lives in Dauis, a town next to Bohol’s capital city, Tagbilaran. Dauis is where people grow vegetables in their backyard, where cows graze on grass and where you could buy fresh fish straight from fishermen’s boats.

I walked with someone and I had brought my MP4 with me, because they say, “good music sets the mood for exercise.” But the silence of the fields and different animals making sound amused me, I simply listened, walked, and jogged. There was smell of soil that had been wet with rain and goat manure. I don’t know why but I took pleasure smelling it. We passed by the sight of townspeople doing their daily routines: some, with baskets full of fish on a motorcycle, possibly on their way to the market to sell them; many were on their way to church to catch the earliest mass, while some just sat on bamboo benches, puffing cigarettes.

We passed by rice fields that look like they get just enough heat and rain during this time. If the rest of the Philippines is in intense drought, not so much in my hometown. Thank God, it rains here from time to time.

We passed by a bridge over the sea and decided to stop by the river bank. It was low-tide, the trees that surrounded the sea made it look like a swamp. Having done some stretching while watching fish swim by, we decided to go home.

On the way, a man on motorcycle selling 'pandesal' asked if we wanted to buy some. Imagining its smell and taste with hot coffee, we told the man to ride alongside us till we arrive home to get some money. We had to jog faster so we could catch up with him. It was a good thing, some people on the road wanted to buy from him too.

Upon arriving, I did some cool-down exercise. I rested for awhile, listened to songs and cherished the smell of fresh air and the sight of chickens everywhere. I read my Bible and sat still for awhile. Then I had breakfast of pandesal, butter and coffee. I looked at the clock; it is only 7 A.M. and my day had just begun.