My Nephews' Artworks

KJ Balquin's:

Angry Birds

KJ's, CJ's, NJ's house

mighty eagle

ostrich

pea shooter

bow and target

CJ's mountain

Wolf

NJ's kite

CJ Balquin's:

Walking

Rainy Day

This Can't Be It

image source: http://truthworks.org/?p=1294

There are times in your life when you seem to have arrived at a dead end – and instead of seeing light at the end of a tunnel, you see darkness. It’s as if you took the wrong road, looked at the wrong map, or overlooked road signs. Then the only thing you could say is, “This can’t be it!”

You look around and try to find your way back – but you hear a whisper in your heart saying that you’re on the right path. You sense little signs as God’s way of telling you that you really are (and you sometimes hate it). Subconsciously (or consciously) thinking that He might have mistaken, you start to divert the blame on Him for dumping you in a point of no return. You may not verbalize it, nor do you blatantly recognize your resentment against your present state but often, actions speak louder than words as your angst against God’s will manifests itself in your words, in your reactions to situations and certain people, eventually seen in your prayer life and service to Him.

This dead-end feeling often happens when you relocate, switch jobs, break relationships, start new ones, establish a new business – generally, journey into a new phase/route in life that is out of your comfort zone, you conclude how cruel life could be.

I lived in a big city for seven years, had a great time enjoying my studies in a university I was sure God was leading me to. I was also a leader of a Christian group that gave me the belongingness I needed. We were committed to help changing the society by sharing Christ to young people and helping them grow spiritually. I had various circles of friends – mentors of different views, peers I laughed and cried with and young girls who I helped grow spiritually and whose lives changed before my very eyes. I didn’t have the best of everything but God’s grace allowed me to see and enjoy the best of my portion. Then He led me to come home.

To come home is sometimes to leave home – the familiar world you have become used to – to face that which is now unfamiliar and sometimes even strange.

Yes, I followed God but there were many times I lived on the notion that “there is a better life out there!” and the life I’m living now is inferior to what I had idealized in the past. “This can’t be it!”

I also saw how my high school friends one-by-one left the ranks of singles – looked at myself and thought perhaps marriage would make me feel better – and make life become more promising. I could forget about my “ideal man” and just settle for whoever shows interest. This could make me forget about my passion for change in the society, my dream of going to another country to share Christ or be an advocate of healthy-living that altogether require much of my time and energy.

But God would not let me settle for such a life. He always has a way of not only directing it but making me accept His will wholeheartedly.

The day before the licensure examination for teachers – one of the biggest tests of my life (And I do mean a real test), I decided to have a positive attitude. I chose to smile at snobbish SM salesladies and be kind even to grumbling jeepney drivers. I did not even fret having realized there was a shortage of Mongol 2 pencils and that I had failed to anticipate such a circumstance. That night, I could not sleep. Zero hour of sleep. The next day, I decided to remain positive – to tell my body especially my brain to function well despite the lack of energy. Indeed, the two tuna sandwiches, the rice, tuna flakes, cucumber and banana I had prepared at 4 A.M. that day sufficed for the 10-hour examination - plus a lot of positive thinking.

Feeling like a zombie, I went home, went straight to bed and had one of the deepest sleeps of my life.

The next day, I appreciated the power of decision. If I could decide for such a thing as that, I could also decide for other things in my life. With this experience plus the help of a book I was reading and the preaching of the pastor that Sunday, I decided to change the way I viewed my present life – my life back home. I chose to overlook differences I had with family members and try to live peacefully with them and hopefully believe that God is in control of us. I chose to honour my mother (as per the preaching of the pastor that Sunday). I also decided to have a more positive attitude about my job as a teacher. I began to cling to the belief that God has a perfect will for me and my role is to be willing to discover it and be patient in the process – that while I can’t understand things, I need to trust that He is doing what is best – that while I can’t make sense of random events, I must do what I deem right all the time and not fret as if I am a better planner than Him. In short, I chose to stop playing God.

I realized that I decide for things which take on meanings as I see them and my feelings along the way are just offshoot of my attitudes and choices. It is true that God is good but to make this truth real in my life, I must choose to not only believe it but make it influence my circumstance. Otherwise, it is just another quote.

My life is totally different now. I have just begun a career path as an educator. I am 26 years old, single – in search of God’s will for my life every day. I liked my life in the city. But where I am now is not inferior to whatever stage I have been in or will ever be. God cannot be confined to my idea of where I should be. After all, He is too big and powerful, it is not only embarrassing to tell him what to do; it is foolish. I need to shut up the voice inside me that says, “This can’t be it!” and yell back and say, “THIS IS IT!” I need to believe God when He says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

A Walk to Remember

I took my nine year-old nephew out for a walk one late Sunday afternoon when there was no electricity in the house. His protective mother was giving her litany of do’s and don’ts as he and I put on our sneakers - having only one thing in mind – FUN which means a chance to talk like there’s no tomorrow and experience things together. My nephew is a good conversationalist, he probably makes more sense than some adults. He asks questions that are sometimes out of this world, I feel challenged to think deep  and develop skills to answer them. Because he is a kid, I figured it requires conscious effort to deal with it. I perceive it this way because as a kid, I too had a lot of questions – questions not answered well or not at all. He would ask often about science – animals, nature. Looking lost in a moment (in deep thoughts, perhaps), he would look up to me and share a trivia. Because of him, I now know how to counter-attack sharks (punch them in the nose) and that butterflies get to live only for about two weeks and that it’s strange, based on his analysis, that my mom never kills butterflies but kills caterpillars. His mom and my mother (his grandmother) are protective, they curse mosquitoes that fly around him. I have a different view about protecting people, though. Believing it should go beyond the physical, I deem more important is protecting them from ignorance.

        So off we went to our destination – this place by the sea. This is where I often go for a walk, to jog around and to spend time being alone. On the way, I took him on stone edges overlooking the sea. Despite his hesitation, he took my hand and sat on the edge with me – watching fish swim under the bridge and little children pick up shells with their father. He was amazed at the sight of an infant in a stroller just left on the beachside while the rest of the family fished with their improvised hook-line-and-sinker. We passed by a cornfield – and he learned that it had been a cornfield all this time. We smelled and probably stepped on goat manure and he learned those circle thingies had been that.

        “I can’t believe I have walked this far,” he would say.

        We finally arrived at the seaside – people jogging, fishing, playing sports, singing songs. We sat on the edge and he exclaimed upon seeing a sea snake. We went farther and saw little crabs (Do you call them crablets?) and a school of fish. I asked him if those fish in the school are smarter than the other fish. He would smile. I’m glad his being smart has not compromised humor.

        It was around six and the sun had begun to set. It was my time to share a trivia. I told him the sunset only becomes beautiful because of dust. I stared at it for a moment – a mix of indigo and orange, surrounding a huge ball of fire – all together reflected on the water. It was too bright, I could only stare at it for a time. To capture it by film or words would be inferior to the experience of being there, watching it. The sunset marked the end of the fine day that was – and the ending had to be nothing else but grandiose. I resolved that endings are not so bad after all and can even be beautiful. Though he was having so much fun watching the crabs crawl, I had to take his hand. It was getting dark. We started walking back because it was time to go home.

Life with You

Life with You is not always a mat on a meadow,

but at times a hanging bridge between two high mountains

Not a storm-free journey into the wild,

but a boat unsinkable by wind and waves

Life with You is not a tearless pursuit,

or a smooth road deprived of danger

it is a jump from a plane with just the wind for support

or a boat ride in the midst of a storm

With you, I'm a Fiona you would free from the tower

a Rapunzel you would die for

at the same time a Joan of Arc or Queen Elizabeth I

you would send to battle

You let life remain unsafe

yet you don't cease to be my fortress

I am not immuned to pain and danger

but my hope in You gives it a lot of sense

Life isn't always nice but You said 

"Cheer up! I have overcome the world."

And that makes all the difference...

-JCR (10/14/2011)

Let Me

 image source: http://www.atlagemgmtmed.com/about/about/overview.php

Let my heart be content, that I might search no more
rested in your arms, delighted in your presence
Let not my soul forget that I am wedded to you
my mind and my spirit captured by your beauty

Let me use my life to make yours be known
so that slaves are freed, bondages are broken
Let me walk on paths that will lead only to you
and pursue ways that make you glad

Let my words be about your grace
my thoughts be of your goodness
Let me go through pain if that will draw me to you
through loneliness that I might feel your comfort

Let me forget the aching desires of my flesh
that your sufficient love might fill my every space
Let me look past my hardships that I might look to your strength
and my inadequacies that I might trust in your sufficiency

-JCR (October 9, 2011)