The Paparazzi are after Me

by Jill Christianae on Saturday, September 25, 2010 at 10:57pm
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Hollywood celebrities and controversial public icons are not the only ones who have to act in certain special ways in front of people. Every day, I am subject to the scrutiny of the public eye, specifically to tricycle drivers at Abad Santos Station, LRT 1.

Walking my way down the stairs, I start hearing them describing me by the color of my shirt, by my accessories, by the things I bring and some, by the street where I live.

In chorus, they would say:
“Ateng, nakaputi, sakay na kita!”

Others would try to be impressive:
“Ateng Abucay, dito ka na!”

These drivers could easily become my stalkers.

But as I have decided to walk more often, I now often have to say “no” to these paparazzi, and not in a verbal way. Lindsay Lohan is not the only one who could rush her way out of a crowd in a nonchalant manner. I have to do the same. Without looking at anyone’s eyes, I say no by shaking my head and walk out of there as soon as possible.

It’s okay. They may know where I live but they know nothing about my life.

In Love

by Jill Christianae on Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 2:42pm
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I am so in love with You,
I am afraid I will knock over things

I am scared,
everyone else will look like You...

I am so in love with You,
I am afraid I will not stop talking about You

I am scared,
everyone will think I'm crazy,
seeing me smile at my enemies,
handshaking with danger...

I am so in love with You,
I have to check if my feet are still on the ground,
or if my words are making sense,
or if I am doing the right things or doing things right

I am so in love with You,
that I have to express it in many ways,
by songs, by poems like this
otherwise, I might explode...

I am so in love with You,
I think I can die now..
and when I awake in heaven,
yours is the face I will see...

I am so in love with You...
I know You are in love with me too...
and even more than I could ever do...

No Seat on the Bus

by Jill Christianae on Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 2:10pm
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I took a bus and it was jampacked. I found a spot on the step by the door where I squeezed myself in to sit in a one-hour ride. From there, I had a wide view of the scenery along NLEX. The sight of the tall grass was in front of me and the sun set to my very eyes.

I did not have a seat but I didn't mind. I realized that spot by the door was perfect for me to view the grass and the sun in a certain way. I wouldn't have seen it anywhere else. This made the one-hour ride worth it...

- JCR (09/17/2010)

My Stalker

by Jill Christianae on Wednesday, September 29, 2010 at 9:49am
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It was 6 P.M. and I rode a bus
The sun was You...
It had a creepy way of following me today...
like you were running desperately after me,
eager to have me gaze at you through the trees
that blocked my view...

You were a lover, a man in pursuit of His love,
in pursuit of me,
rushing, taking every bit of chance to lay your eyes on me,
your neck stretching, your eyes hoping,
to let me know you are there, watching,
shining light on me

Your light was blinding but You were beautiful...
Your light was slowly fading
across the cloudy, golden horizon...
Then you were gone and it went dark..
For a time, I sat there
remembering your beauty...
cherishing that moment of pursuit...

Then I got off and walked...
And there you were in the dark sky,
my cheesy, persistent stalker...
shining light on me...

Your looks changed
but Your heart towards me
stayed the same...

-JCR (09/17/2010)

Love in Silence

by Jill Christianae on Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 6:28pm
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I asked for the Lord's presence.. to sit beside me and still my heart...

I wanted to tell Him that I was feeling it now...
that I welcomed His in mine...
But He hushed me with His finger
and said I don't need to verbalize it...

I wanted Him to speak but He said,"I don't need to..."
And then it dawned on me that
in the presence of two hearts at home with each other,
words are sometimes not necessary...

Our hearts speak without words...
His presence quiets me...
Mine is His delight...

Even now as I write while He stares,
I know that Love isn't only about
doing things together,
but being silent, simply watching and delighting
in what the other is doing...

Love isn't a lot of words,
It manifests itself when we have run out of them...

-JCR (09/18/2010)

Free to Love

I am free
free to love as never before
throwing open
windows and doors
rejoicing in my wholeness
I see clearly
as I run with purpose
choosing the right road
no longer stumbling
over my own neediness
I move
even paced
head high
shoulders back
heart firmly in place
making choices with my head
not from my heart
ignoring the demands of the flesh
I stretch my spirit
and respond to God's voice
running eagerly
toward His instruction
caught up in His potent promises
I am bound to Him
a willing love slave
yet freer than I've ever been
finding the lost pieces of myself
I foolishly gave to others
casting pearls before the swine
once weeping
over the trampled pieces of my heart
I am now restored to give again
to one more deserving...

I discover I am
lost in Him
only to be found in the truth
stronger than ever
ready to love better
because now I have more to give
and I will give
carefully
abundantly
and only at His leading
and in that understanding
I rest
I fly
I am free!

- Michelle McKinney Hammond (What to Do Until Love Finds You)

Venus Raj’s “Major, Major”: An Attempt to Analyze

by Jill Christianae on Sunday, August 29, 2010 at 8:19pm

"What is one big mistake that you've made in your life and what did you do to make it right?"

Understanding the desired response to this question determined how Venus Raj or any Ms. Universe candidate, would answer it.

If we dissect this question, we will see that it has two parts. The first part seeks to know the “major mistake” and the second part, the “way to make it right”.

Venus Raj's answer was: "In my 22 years of existence, I can say that there is nothing major, major problem that I have done in my life because I am very confident with my family and with the love that they are giving to me so thank you so much that I am here. Thank you. Thank you so much."

Considering that Venus started off by mentioning her age, we could say that she considers herself old enough to be capable of making major mistakes. But then she went on to say that she has not done any. For what reason? Her family and their love for her.

We ask: Did she opt for a safer answer such as that instead of a gross story of a mistake done in the past, simply because of nervousness?

In an interview with Jessica Soho, she was asked the same question and she said she was nervous but wouldn’t have answered any other way. In another talk show with GMA 7, she added that she is really a positive person whose mistakes are being allowed by a sovereign God. Judging the sincerity of her response from these interviews, we could say that though it was a compulsive answer (because of nervousness), it was an honest one. Looking closely, however, on its implications, we could see that it sent both positive and negative signals to the judges and the audience.

To us Filipinos, it is easier to understand the message she was trying to convey: positivism and relying on family's love, in dealing with mistakes. These are good Filipino traits. She was simply being honest and being Filipino. Her candid Filipino spirit was even more validated by her use of repeated words to emphasize a point (major2x, thank you2x). But would the message of positivism and close family ties please judges like William Baldwin?

If we go back to his question, we will see that the second part (What did you to make it right?) which sought to assess a candidate's capacity to "correct a mistake," was not answered at all. This part of the question could have been crucial to the judges’ decision making. We, therefore ask, had Venus answered it, would she have won the crown?

Perhaps, what was left in the judges' mind was Venus' positivism, but they were left with no idea how she resolves mistakes. To them, this was a major mistake. But to Venus, who said she does not regret how she responded, her answer was not a mistake, neither was her coming home without the crown. Being fourth runner up is enough. So positive. So Filipino.