Simply Because

img source: http://www.coolchaser.com/graphics/tag/father%20love

Life is not always exciting. It is at times difficult, confusing, boring, plain, depressing, sad and disappointing. This is so if we are looking at events or the people that make them happen or even worse, the frailties of our very being, that weak part of ourselves we have been trying to deal with all our lives – wounds that run deep and date back to childhood. We are in constant watch of our tendencies, careful not to make any more mistake. Then sometimes, all we could do is sigh – simply because life has not turned out the way we want it.

But the truth is that there is a huge percent of life and destiny that we cannot control and we have the option to be grateful, to be hopeful, to feel blessed, to try harder and not grow tired of doing what is right, simply because it is the right thing to do, simply because God is pleased. We can choose this path simply because God is with us, simply because we have a personal relationship with Him and simply because He is much greater than Life itself.

Blessings

image source: http://www.cc.gatech.edu/cpl/projects/graphcuttextures/

At the onset of this year, I asked God for a specific promise and then He gave me this:

“..I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:19)

I took it as God’s promise of blessing for me for the year 2011. There are only 30 days left before this year ends and so far, what I thought I had got were a failed expectation – when I did not graduate with honors last March and a love story with a sad and painful ending that contributed much to my making God into my own image and likeness. I started to feel like He delights in withholding things from me, that the thought of “doing so to make me become closer to Him” is not only clichéish but lame. I have noticed refusing to see the drama of life – concluding that perhaps, everything is simply pragmatic, and my former self who was hopeful and child-like had been immature after all. I noticed how I almost stopped believing in His romantic side – that His gaze is upon me and He is seeing me through. Like a child that never stops wailing thinking mom does not know what I need, I sometimes thought and acted as if He does not really know what I need or if He does, He does not really care. After all, He could be busy running this whole universe – for His glory and His alone.

“I’m at the wrong place at the wrong time,” is the thought I tend to believe in. Has God made a mistake in sending me here? Or I just didn’t hear His will clearly? Is this how he is blessing me?

These days, I have been thinking a lot about my future – how it would be nice to go abroad to reach out to those who don’t know Christ - perhaps, use my skills in doing so, how it would be great to do it with a man God has chosen for me. Oh, how my heart aches for this.

But God’s word today at church reminded me once again to be still.

Simply be still...

Nothing wrong with thinking about the future – in fact, to go and preach His word is His command – but to think too much of it at the expense of what God has in store for me today is a sin in itself – a way of saying I don’t trust Him enough and that I think this life He has given me now is inferior to what He has planned for the future.

Nothing wrong with desiring for marriage – it is God’s gift – but to not see other facets of life because of it is a sin in itself.

Just because I don’t have a huge ministry this year or a 5-digit salary per month or a romance that sends tingles down my spine doesn’t mean I am not blessed. I realized that the absence of such things in my life is the blessing in itself. Perhaps, God wants to build my character or He is testing my faith or He is simply making me rest or all of the above.

To simply wait and rest in Him is the best way I could serve Him at this point in my life.

My tears came rolling down my cheeks as I listened to the message and the song, “Blessing” by Laura Story.

It felt as if God was talking straight to my face. Of course, that couldn’t happen. I was just sure He was speaking straight to my heart.

His giving and withholding are both manifestations of His love. His blessings come in many forms and how stupid of me to have put Him in a box as to how mine would look like this year.

With all that I have and with all that I don’t, I give my praise to thee! Thank you for my 2011! 

Not Just the Coffee

Being in a coffeeshop like Starbucks is not just about having good coffee (not that I'm promoting their catch line). Experience is expensive and so here am I, having opted to be somewhere else but my bedroom. Old, familiar places have a way of haunting you. They remind you so much of moments you'd rather forget. They also make you feel as if life is nothing but a routine - a home-school-home kinda thing which life shouldn't be about. 

 And so you come here, paying for coffee that is 10 times more expensive than the regular one you get every day. Once you have settled in the perfect spot, you feel you have rented a haven for some purpose you deem necessary for you at the moment. In my case - to contemplate. 

 Coffee has a way of keeping you awake and when you are alone like me right now, coffee becomes a good friend - one who is always around, does not leave you unheard and hanging. It doesn't have a heart but it listens. It just listens. You can even customize it to suit your taste bud, to send pleasure signals to your brain. Coffee does not give advice. Instead, it helps you do what you got to do. In my case again - to contemplate.

 To contemplate on things I thought I had mastered, I had given others advice on them - things I thought I had always known, I could recite it to anyone. I thought I had learned how to guard my heart well..

 Have you ever said to yourself, "Here I go again?"

 Here I go again. 

 Have you ever wanted to just turn back time and play things differently?

 Is there such thing as a time machine?

 The lady just stared at my musing. That is fine. This is my place for now. I will muse to my heart's content.

 The people outside all look struggling to get a ride home. Sometimes it is hard to get home and the way home can be expensive. Often times, it takes a very long ride. Good thing, in my case, I only have to walk home tonight. The music in the background is a little upbeat. Coffeeshops shouldn't put on music in the air. Everyone, specially coffeeshop customers is entitled to his or her own music.

The coffeeshop crew are talking. I wonder about their story, and what they have to pay for to go home. I hate saying this because it reminds me of someone - someone I'd rather not talk about. 

 I'll have my last few gulps of this coffee and I look at my watch. Latte, my friend will soon be gone and I will eventually have to go and leave this place I have rented - stop musing and walk home.

-JCR (April 4, 2011)