Before I was able to receive the love of a man who happened to be my husband now, and before I was able to reciprocate that love well, there was a God who loved me first, who unleashed the woman in me, a Father who affirmed that I was beautiful, worthy to be cherished and wooed. God of course didn’t appear to me physically or spoke to me with a loud voice, but He relayed with me through His Word and Spirit. By the help of very special Christian friends, I was led to join counseling. I know counseling can invoke many negative thoughts and I am aware that most people are scared of it. The most common reaction is “I don’t need it.” Well, that’s what I thought too. But I am not ashamed now that I went through it. I will never be ashamed that I was a broken person, found by the grace of God and was pruned and went through the furnace to make me the person that I am now. I will never be ashamed to say that it was God who worked in me to make me realize my worth, to make me love myself, to receive His love so I that I can be free to love myself and others well. One very important testimony I will ever share is that I have learned that it is one thing to love people, but it is totally another to love them well.
I can sincerely say now that I love my husband and that I am feeling the joy of being a wife to someone. I just remembered a seemingly ordinary day when I realized that I had built walls around me. I wailed in deep desire for them to shatter. Comfortable as they may have been, I knew in my heart they were not supposed to be there. Those were some of my most vulnerable moments – when I took off all my masks before Jesus in deep cries and through fervent prayers.
I didn’t know how to heal my wounds so I had to let God do it. True enough, He embraced me in my surrender, spoke to me gently in my silence and healed me through my stillness. It was the closest I could have been to Him. Then as the days went by, new energies sprung.. like winter turning to spring.. flowers sprouting out and blossoming everywhere and streams of water appeared – almost from nowhere. The Lord renewed me and made me see who I really am – a woman; a beautiful one He will always cherish; one He will always pursue; the bride He has been waiting for. (April 21, 2014)