My Aunt Died Last Night

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 at 9:56am

My aunt died last night.

The moment I knew this, I started remembering our few moments together: nothing very intimate, often small talks, how she could cook delicious ampalaya minus the bitter taste and how she would love to receive love quotes through SMS from me.

I am a very busy person when it is not summer or Christmas. Ask my classmates and they will describe to you the sleepless nights we spend beating deadlines. If I can send text messages to anyone, it is either I need things badly: money, prayers or people to talk with or I am accountable for and to some people and I haven’t talked to them for months.

Every time I come home and see her in family gatherings, I am reminded of her desire to receive love quotes from me.

Now that she is dead, I wonder whether I had been too busy with trivial matters, I failed to do the more important ones. My aunt died and I am very sad not only because I can’t see her anymore, but because I will never know how her life really went, and what it might have become had I spent a few seconds, and a peso every day to check her out and make her smile with my love quotes.

To NANG HAYLEN, I love you.. I wish I had told you this while I still could.

It Does Not Have To Be Like That

image source: http://stay-at-homemomwhoknew.blogspot.com/2011/12/hope.html

Thursday, June 17, 2010 at 10:01pm

It does not take a genius to believe that there is more than what meets the eye.

I believe this. And if I were a stranger and look at myself, I would not know who I was and how I have become who I am now.

Because I am not the same person anymore, it is very real to me how change is possible to anyone, anywhere...

I am perfectly aware that if a stranger would talk to me, he/she would not know of my struggles in high school, my drink-till-you-drop nights out with friends (I used to be the one asking friends out for a drink.), my experiments with cigarettes (I smoked because it looked cool, specially in a bar like Prince of Jaipur, rubbing elbows with the stars), or my relationships (my co-dependent, clingy ones...).

Now I know that life does not have to be a constant struggle...of endless wondering if it has any meaning after all..

In life, we remain to be restless if our hearts are left wandering and searching.. For in each one's heart is a storm... and I'm not that very old, but I have tried different sorts of umbrellas and coats to shelter myself from it... but it comes scary with thunder and lightning.. and it's like being in a crowd but still feeling alone...

I have tried crying until my tears are dried up and no one could even hear me...

I have tried following my heart... I tried loving my way...

But the answer was not there...

I would look at myself in the mirror many years ago and I did not like what I saw..

I had my share of glorious achievements but still, life remained pointless...

I look at myself now and I like what I see... not because I have the face of Heidi Klum or Angelina Jolie's body (which is of course, just an example :)), but because through the deep way God has worked in my life, I have started coming to terms with who I am inside, and how God values me... that with or without other people's comments, I am a beauty..

I look at the work of my hands and I delight in the fruit of my labor, not because I am the richest woman alive or I have the brain of Einstein (another example :)), but because I have finally appreciated being able to do things: to live, to love, to serve, to learn, to teach...

Life does not have to be that bad... It sure is difficult sometimes (it's a storm remember?) but with God walking with me every day, it's not just a safe walk, like a fun stroll at the beach, but an adventure in the midst of any storm (even if it's the Ondoy-type).

Me in Passion Manila 2010

Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 1:47am

I just arrived from Passion Manila 2010, a world tour concert of Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio. Before the worship concert started, I prayed to God in three words: “God, surprise me.” Upon realizing that worship is not for me to feel good but to ultimately give praise to God, I added: "And I want to do this simply because you deserve it." I didn't know all the new songs sung in the concert, but I just found myself singing along with my heart warming up with praises to God. I felt Him, being worshipped by thousands of us, there in Araneta Coliseum, me being just one of them. Chris Tomlin could only imagine how the song that went "Your Grace is enough..." could have sent warm ripples around my heart, but in the middle of that noisy crowd, with God being the Star, He told me that He is looking at me, listening to my songs of worship. And that just made tears well up in my eyes. I have this thing about famous people. I do believe that at some point in everyone's life, there is this fame moment when everyone's attention is on you, like in a bridal march, in a graduation speech, and the like. And that sometimes, people close to us forget us, at moments like this. But God is so different, I realized. I could see Him as that one big God who created everything and yet, He blows my mind by telling me that in the middle of a crowd of millions, He can hear my voice: my not very good singing voice. The words in one of the songs went: "Your grace is enough.." and Yes, I realized, this is true. I may have a lot of concerns about my life but God did not spare His only Son, Jesus for me; How could He not take care of everything I need? Then at that moment I just sang to God with tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't have everything the world desires: money, fame or power, but that insight has told me it matters less. What matters is that I have a God like Jesus and I have everything I need. It feels like being in a romantic relationship; Nothing else matters but the Love that exists between the two people in love. I used to think God's pursuit of me is limited by time, like a vacation leave, or an off day, or a day at the spa.. but no, I realized, as long as I live God will keep on pursuing me. He will woo me with His love: with songs, with His unexpected revelations, with people around me, in many different ways. How can I say "No" to this lover?

My Nephew Who Sporadically Smiles

Wednesday, April 21, 2010 at 8:04pm

I am the type of person who likes to capture moments, sometimes by a camera phone or by writing. Today, I am going to make an attempt to encapsulate in words from my memory the moment I had with my one year old nephew.

His name is NJ. He is a one year old baby who does not smile a lot. The moment he does, the person babysitting him calls other people in the house to look at him and marvel at such a sight. My mom or my sister would sometimes scream for someone’s camera to be at him. Sometimes I would catch Gina, NJ’s regular babysitter smiling with delight at the look at his sporadic smile and sealing the moment with a kiss.

One time, however, I was tasked to look after him. Now, this to me was a big challenge. Besides his very sensitive mood, NJ is heavy, which means that if he cried and if I had to carry him in my arms, it would be like being in a gym lifting weights, for me. He also likes toys that are not real toys. He likes the real things: dvd players, remote controls, etc. So one would either have to think about preventing him from getting electrocuted or a thing from getting broken. Another reason is that I am not used to babysitting anymore. I have lived independently for about six years now in a life, not involving kids, let alone babies. Watching over NJ should be quite a challenge. So at this time, I had to begin by not making him notice that his mom was gone and it was just me and him in the room. I tried to find a “toy” for him but all I could see were toys. I was, however, in the process of finishing my chocolate chip cookies when his mom asked me to watch over him. So I gave him one. He looked at it for awhile and held it in his tiny hand. He took a bite and said “yum, yum,” took another bite and looked at me, looked at the cookie and took another bite. Brown crumbs started spreading around his mouth and falling off it. Some were on his shirt. His bites became faster and he would look at the cookie from time to time as if asking himself what in the world those cookies are made of. He finally lied down and I thought he would cry, but he didn’t. The cookie now was held by his hand in a clumsy way, I had to help him securely grasp it. He would bite and chew and make that yum yum sound frequently. His six white teeth were now covered with brown crumbs. Then he uttered, “uh” as if asking me to look at the cookie. He took another bite and uttered, “yum, yum, yum” (Now I know why delicious sounds like that). I wanted to get a camera. I wanted to share my joy with other people and be able to show them proof that it really happened. But I realized that, that moment is just between me and him. I told his mom about it and she sighed in appreciation but she will never ever share the joy I had with my one year old nephew, who seldom smiles but has just shown me that even babies like that can appreciate cookies, will not mind to look dirty with crumbs all over the face and will freely express it with words like “yum, yum”.

Fear Factor

Tuesday, April 20, 2010 at 4:22pm

I already wrote about my ziplining experience last March. I described there how excited I was to be 250 m above the river and that I suddenly realized I had fear of heights and decided to close my eyes until I was greeted by two men telling me I wasted the whole experience. Not wanting to agree with them, I opened my eyes on the way back.

What I did not describe in detail was what really transpired before I finally had the guts to open them. I seriously prayed. I told God that I was so scared, that I was embarrassed, and that I wanted to try again. I heard a voice that said, “It is okay to quit.”

I could not believe this was the voice of God so I quieted myself for awhile and sincerely asked Him to speak to me, to tell me whether or not I would find myself shattered among the rocks below if I do it. Then I swore I would hang on to that word, despite my fear, despite any negative feeling I was having at that moment. “Tell me anything Lord and I’ll believe it.”

There was a voice that said, “It is okay. You will be safe. I will be with you.”

The sight of the rocks below and the harness and ropes that literally supported my life, did not convince me this was true. But I realized that if that conviction really came from God then I could hang on to it regardless of any feeling, sight or condition. So I asked God again, “is it you speaking to me? Not my ego telling me to save myself from another embarrassment?” Then I felt peace in my heart and I was convinced that it was He.

With arms stretched and eyes wide opened, I got on that zipline again. I felt like a bird for 40 seconds and the sight of nature swept off all the fears away. I did not only survive it, I enjoyed it.

That experience made me realize that God wants me to enjoy life and not only survive it, that I need to listen to that tiny voice inside me so that I could look at fear and discouragement in the eye and tell it to back off simply because I know in my heart that I would win, not because I am strong but because God is.

An Old High School Poem

Monday, April 19, 2010 at 11:26am

I went through my old stuff today and I found this old poem i wrote in high school.. Just wanna share it:

You came into my life and made me smile
No one owned you but me
Your laughter, your tears, they were all mine
But I didn't mind coz I was blind

What took so long for me eyes to see
that your love was all in me
And now I miss the things you do
No matter what I do, I just can't forget you

My Early Morning Walk

Sunday, April 11, 2010 at 2:56pm

I went for a long walk today. Started out at 5:30 A.M. and arrived back home after an hour. Had I been some place else like Manila, I would not have bothered, but just a few more weeks from now and I am back to my busy life in the city. My hometown is in Bohol and every time I am here, I always feel like a first-timer. My family lives in Dauis, a town next to Bohol’s capital city, Tagbilaran. Dauis is where people grow vegetables in their backyard, where cows graze on grass and where you could buy fresh fish straight from fishermen’s boats.

I walked with someone and I had brought my MP4 with me, because they say, “good music sets the mood for exercise.” But the silence of the fields and different animals making sound amused me, I simply listened, walked, and jogged. There was smell of soil that had been wet with rain and goat manure. I don’t know why but I took pleasure smelling it. We passed by the sight of townspeople doing their daily routines: some, with baskets full of fish on a motorcycle, possibly on their way to the market to sell them; many were on their way to church to catch the earliest mass, while some just sat on bamboo benches, puffing cigarettes.

We passed by rice fields that look like they get just enough heat and rain during this time. If the rest of the Philippines is in intense drought, not so much in my hometown. Thank God, it rains here from time to time.

We passed by a bridge over the sea and decided to stop by the river bank. It was low-tide, the trees that surrounded the sea made it look like a swamp. Having done some stretching while watching fish swim by, we decided to go home.

On the way, a man on motorcycle selling 'pandesal' asked if we wanted to buy some. Imagining its smell and taste with hot coffee, we told the man to ride alongside us till we arrive home to get some money. We had to jog faster so we could catch up with him. It was a good thing, some people on the road wanted to buy from him too.

Upon arriving, I did some cool-down exercise. I rested for awhile, listened to songs and cherished the smell of fresh air and the sight of chickens everywhere. I read my Bible and sat still for awhile. Then I had breakfast of pandesal, butter and coffee. I looked at the clock; it is only 7 A.M. and my day had just begun.