Point Something

On March 15, 2011, I found out that my GPA was point something short for me to graduate from college with honors. Then I asked God what comprised that point something. Didn’t I burn the midnight oil enough?

Didn’t I shed enough tears for a challenging project? I asked God, “Didn’t I pray enough Lord?”

Did you not pronounce victory for your children? Is it not your will to share your glory with your people? Have I not been faithful enough for you to deprive me of that point something?

I have learned answers to these questions by theory. I knew Romans 8:28¹ and Proverbs 3:5².  But instead of rationalizing with Bible verses, I chose to grieve over it for a night and cried out to God in utter honesty.

I have done my part, yes. God knows I did. Even more than the people around me, God has seen my hard work, my determination, my willingness to glorify Him by doing my best in school. Modesty aside, I have also not cheated in any examination, assignment, project, activity, name it. Whenever things got very difficult, I would cry in prayer, seek godly counsel and move on. Despite the many hardships under the BSE English program, I enjoyed my student life. I lived it to the fullest in the most diligent and honest way I knew. So what went wrong?

At that moment, all I could do was ask and tell God what was in my heart. I was scared to get some spiritual impression because I did not know if I could believe it. The issue was not mere academic, it was very spiritual.

Before I went to bed that day, I asked God to make me understand. The next morning, my spirit was so heavy within me, I decided to read the Bible. I was reading Isaiah 44. I didn’t get any specific insight but I felt comfort. I still did not understand but I chose to trust Him. That day, I was to have lunch with a friend who was yet to know if she could graduate or not. When I arrived in school, with a tight hug, she told me she could. We had prayed about it and in our lunch together, we celebrated God’s favor upon us with laughter and a prayer. For a time, I forgot about my point something.

By this juxtapositioning, I realized that God indeed gives and takes away. He always has the last say in everything. His will is not determined by anyone’s opinion or understanding. He does things based on His sovereign will and sometimes, it is hard to comprehend it.

As time went by, I hung on the notion that I could trust in His goodness, and that He never does anything against my well-being. I went home from church one day starting to relearn the truth that though I could try my best in doing things, God’s will is still sovereign. If He deemed it necessary for me to not receive that award, then so be it. God in his omnipotence could just stretch that GPA, to make me happy, but He did not. He could but He did not - which led me to realize that God’s ultimate will for me is not happiness, but holiness. To be holy is to trust Him, to remain humble, to praise Him, to thank Him despite any circumstance.

I will never know what would happen had I been a part of the honor roll. But I can only guess. Could it have made me proud? Could it have affected my plans for the future? Could it have changed the way I look at myself?

Where I am now (even without the award) is where God wanted me to be and this is not the end of my story. God will use both my defeats and victories to mold me into the kind of person I ought to be. I will be shaped by the steps that I take, the attitude that I develop, the insight that I hold on to, out of my not being in the honor roll and many other events in my life. If I participate with God, then He can make something good out of it.

I realized that God’s love does not only give, it also withholds. If withholding that point something will do me good then He will do it. He knows it will hurt me and he takes the risk that I will be disappointed in Him for a time but He will do it anyway.

With that point something come a new attitude, a humbler spirit, and an exercised faith. Ultimately, it is Him who will give the final judgment:

“.. But my work seems so useless! I have spent from my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord’s hand; I will trust God for my reward.” (Isaiah 49:4)

Besides, I said I did my best in school; I enjoyed it and became intimate with God along the way. I have met wonderful people and through these things, God has made me into the kind of person I ought to be at this point in my life. These are my rewards – down-to-earth and undisclosed, yet priceless and eternal. To God be the glory!

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¹ “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

²  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.”

What's the Big Fuzz about Wellness

I was shocked today to see 27 hits in one of my blog entries entitled, My Journey towards Wellness. http://jillrendon.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-journey-towards-wellness.html This is so far the highest number of hits I got in a day. I realized then how much people nowadays are interested to hear personal testimonies about losing weight. Preparing for bikini season, perhaps? :)

When people ask how I lost weight (I shed off 21 lbs in 5 months last year), I become willing to share my secret with them. I believe this is good news that have to be shared with others.

So here is an update of how I am doing now. Well, I do not keep a diet list anymore. Maybe because I spent the last months checking health websites, devouring tips and trying them out for myself. I became quite familiar with them that today, the principles come in handy in every situation.

Bottom line: If you want to lose weight, keep yourself informed. Be very familiar with general health principles. Take note: I am emphasizing on "health" because that is what this is all about. Some people do not have to lose weight but they are not healthy.

I will not enumerate the health tips here. I know everyone can google.

Food control is 80 % of weight loss. I believe this so much that's why even if I move around a lot (because of many school work), I don't make it an excuse to eat more. Many fail to lose weight because they tend to bargain a lot, "I will run this bar of chocolate off later.."

Like I said, it is not only about "shedding the pounds," it's the whole "eating lifestyle" that matters more.

Wouldn't you want to eat a bar of chocolate without the guilt?

That is so possible. Once the idea of wellness has become a part of your system (which really takes discipline), eating becomes more enjoyable and guilt-free, even if it means eating a slice of your favorite blueberry cheesecake.

The idea here is frequency, balance and timing. I love chocolates a lot! And I can't imagine myself getting rid of it for the sake of losing/maintaining weight! So what I do is wait for the perfect timing to eat some. In my case (since I am a sociable person), it could be a special dinner with a special friend or group of friends or other occasions when "pigging out" is unavoidable. If I ate one yesterday, I would not eat another one today - would probably do so next week or better yet, the week after next. If I am having cake today then I do away with the soda or go big on the veggies.

Speaking of veggies (and let's include fruit), I know many Filipinos hate them. But as far as I know, they are the healthiest way to lose weight. They will not only work on the fat, they will also work on many other parts of the body (such as the skin and the brain), giving you a holistic natural makeover.

One thing I like about veggies and fruit is the idea of "negative calorie" and this is the reason why most of the time, one can still lose weight even without exercise. When you eat certain vegetables (like broccoli, lettuce, cucumber) and fruit (like mango, apple, orange), the calories that it takes to burn them is greater than the calories you got when you ate them. Result - you lost calories. So the more you eat them, the more you burn calories.

So whenever I am really hungry, I still eat a small portion of rice but I go big on the veggies (and protein source too; protein helps burn fat). I pig out on them. The result? guilt-free, satisfying meal...

I'm also planning to work on a regular work-out routine. As a part of my pursuit of wellness, I am planning to buy a bicycle soon and (God help me) would want to use it as my main means of transport.

So I guess that's it for now. Will keep you updated :)

The Reconciliation of Justice and Love: A Literary Criticism on the movie Narnia (The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe)

by Jill Christianae A. Rendon

Narnia, a film based on the novel by C.S. Lewis has a theme based on the hero archetype that follows the pattern of a sacrifice-atonement-catharsis. The story is based on the foundation of the Christian faith that since humans could not save themselves from sin, Jesus Christ who is God, took upon himself the penalty for those sins which is death by choosing to suffer and die through crucifixion. After his death, he would resurrect, giving atonement for the sins of all.

The hero in the character of Aslan, a lion who is the King of Narnia represents the character of Jesus Christ who was destined to be the sacrificial scapegoat, unblemished and holy for the atonement of the sin of humankind. “He was manifested to take away our sins; and in him is no sin.” (1 John 3:5)Lion which is symbolic of authority, strength and enlightenment often represents God in the Bible. “The lion has roared - so who isn’t frightened? The Sovereign Lord has spoken— so who can refuse to proclaim his message? (Amos 3:8) “…Stop weeping! Look, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the heir to David’s throne, has won the victory...” (Revelation 5:5) Humankind is represented in Narnia by the character of Edmund whose disobedience and stubbornness highlight human’s sinful nature. “Why can’t you just do as you’re told?” Peter rhetorically asks him.

The story starts with a war which sets the mood of a “disorder”. This atmosphere is juxtaposed against the tension caused by the “disobedience” of Edmund in the fire scene, impressing in us the connection between disobedience and disorder. Then we fast forward to the scene wherein having been sent to live in an old house away from London during the war, Peter, Edmund, Susan and Lucy discover a closet which is a passage to the world of Narnia. Symbolically, a closet represents a way into a world, a passage to some truth, a journey that these four children take on, with themselves as the main characters. Then we discover that Narnia is a very cold place, deprived of Christmas for 100 years. By this alone, we know that Narnia has been under a curse, having been dominated by the Queen of Narnia, the Witch whose robe is colored white - symbolic of death and terror. Wondering why the main characters are children and not adults, we see that it takes the characteristics of children to take on the journey and complete it. Children are meek, teachable and open – reflected by the character of Lucy; gullible, thoughtless and stubborn – shown by the character of Edmund. This also brings out the sense of family in the story confirmed by Aslan when he says, “I do want my family safe.” A sense of relationship is established, implying that he who is King is also a Father to them and that the kind of people who would be drawn to him are meek, teachable and open, though gullible, thoughtless and stubborn at the same time. This explains the Christian belief that no man or woman is perfect, but that God accepts them for who they are. The conflict of the story which is human vs. another human (the witch) is centered on Edmund’s betrayal or offense, motivated by his appetite for sweets. This appetite actually refers to the various appetites of humankind according to the Christian faith: appetite for power, fame, wealth and many other things that are the evidence of sin. Edmund’s offense became central to the heightened tension between Aslan and the Witch who both know that according to the tradition of the Deep Magic, traitors and offenders are to die on a stone-table. With reference to the Bible, this is explained by this verse: “For the wages of sin is death.” (Romans 6:23)Aslan knows that to refuse this punishment for Edmund is to defy his character of being just and to not be himself. "My God, my Holy One…your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong!" (Habakkuk 1:12-13) By this alone, Edmund is doomed. However, Aslan has one character, he also could not deny – love. “So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness..” (John 1:14) He loves Edmund that he can not allow him to die. Thus, to resolve the conflict between justice and love, Aslan makes a deal with the Witch. He does so for this “sacred order” - and not out of threat. Despite the enmity between them, they are not to be seen as equals. The Witch is under the authority of Aslan, explaining the silence of the former at the roar of the latter. Aslan has Edmund’s best interest in mind in the deal – a deal that would reconcile justice and love – springing from another undeniable character of his – grace. Grace is defined as an undeserved favor. The giver gives it because of who he is, not because of who the receiver is or what he has done. Such is the situation between Aslan and Edmund. He decides to save Edmund simply because Edmund is his son. “For by grace, you have been saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves. It is the gift of God, not as a result of works, that no one should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) By this time, we are now convinced of the helplessness of humans to save themselves and wherein a scapegoat, a “savior” has to interfere to save them. As a sacrificial hero, Aslan is to go through suffering and humiliation and finally die. At the sight of Aslan being given to the hands of his enemies, Lucy asks, “Why doesn’t he fight back?” The answer to this describes the very heart of Aslan – his active submission to his bitter destiny, his commitment to Edmund and his great humility. “Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:6-8) The mane of a lion is his pride, thus, having it shaved by the enemies, those under his authority is utter humiliation, a disgrace to the core. Aslan dies and rises again. In the event of his resurrection, he appears with the sun in the background, symbolizing new life and enlightenment. This is not only true for him but for the children as they are saved by him in the war against the Witch who sincerely thought Aslan could be killed.

“If the witch knew the true meaning of sacrifice, she might have interpreted the deep magic differently, that when a willing victim who has committed no treachery is killed on traitor’s stead, the stone-table will crack and death itself will turn backwards.” - Aslan

When Aslan says, “It is finished,” he has just marked the completion of his mission, the atonement of the sin of humans. By this, he means that his work is complete. Humans are assured of freedom from the penalty of sin. This is emphasized by the breaking of the stone-table which alludes to the veil, mentioned in Exodus 26:33, “…The veil shall be a divider for you between the holy place and the Most Holy.” This veil was what separated sinful humans from the holy presence of God. But because the death and resurrection of Christ broke this veil, humans are reconciled with him. “And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus.” (Hebrews 10:19)

At the last part of the film, Aslan crowns the four children as kings and queens, showing the royal inheritance he shares with them. At the sight of Aslan going away, Thomas, Lucy’s friend says, “We’ll see him again,” an indicative of the second coming of Christ.

The lamp marks the end of the story of Narnia and the children’s return to reality. The presence of the professor at the end and his interest to hear their story suggests its significance – significance that transcends time, age and culture because of the inevitability of people committing mistakes due to the “appetite” of the sinful nature of humankind. Saved from the doom of the penalty of sin, he or she is reconciled to a just yet loving God, by his grace through the power of his death and resurrection. He chose to die that humans may live. His captive brought them freedom. Sacrifice-Atonement-Catharsis.

References

Guerin, W. (2005). A Handbook of Critical Approaches to Literature. New York: Oxford University Press.

n.a. (2007). Holy Bible, New Living Translation. Seoul, Korea: Agape Publishing Co., Ltd.

Woman on Train

Sitting on a train, mindless, my attention got caught by the sudden yell of a woman, calling out for the train door to be opened. She obviously was not able to get off when she had to.

"Tell the guard to open the door! Tell the guard to open the door!"

She was persistently screaming out in a rather comic way, every one there, including myself started laughing.

I have been riding trains for many years and that was the first time I saw somebody beg so desperately.

When the train door is shut to one's face, the most normal reaction is nothing but a sigh. Not that woman. She didn't care. She yelled to the top of her lungs. She made herself seen and heard.

The train had left but stopped and the door opened. She got off. The guard scratched his head. We laughed.

Persistence opens doors, even train doors.

JCR / (February 12, 2011)

Pride and Service

Often there is a very blurred line between pride and service. The latter easily and subtly becomes the offshoot of the former. Often, it is difficult to do good things from pure motives. Sometimes, we are not aware that we only want our strengths highlighted in our acts of service to others, our ideals come to life in our words of encouragement, our need for appreciation channeled through our charity.

Often, our ends and means come from a selfish intention and often, we are blind to it.

However, the grace of God envelopes this line and in due time - in a time, He deems ripe, He makes these tendencies known to us and if in humility we accept it, He is able to change our hearts so that our good works are not mere offshoot of our human frailty, but become simply the overflow of a heart that delights in and is at peace with Him - the God who knows we are not perfect, but loves us so much, he continually shapes our hearts.

-JCR (Feb. 12, 2011)

True Love

Love is sometimes best expressed through

silence and distance..

There are times that impulsive ways of showing it

will do more danger than good..

For true love seeks the highest good of the other

and not to satisfy the desires of one's self

It is therefore true love to shut one's mouth,

even when the heart so desires to speak...

to remain distant even when the soul longs to be wth the other...

For true love is not mere obedience to a feeling -

it is doing the most righteous thing, by faith for the other

in hope of building the other person up,

even if sometimes it means silence and distance,

loneliness, pain...

- JCR (2010)

I Love You

I love you and I show it by being away from you,

by not being there when you cry,

by not asking what is making you sad

I love you and I show it by my silence,

for it is not my words you so truly need..

but the words of the one true Savior

I love you that's why I make you look at the cross,

and not my face...

For it is not me who will fill the void in your heart

but the one who shed his blood for you...

I love you, that's why I seek your highest good,

that which is you being drawn closer to him,

and not to me...

I love you, so I give you my silence,

and I shun you from my presence...

- JCR (n.d.)

A Face Lost in the Crowd

I am a face lost in the crowd... I am tempted to find myself in others... I drink from laughters with them. I suck, with excitement, the succulent juice of our togetherness. I walk and they call my name.

But suddenly, I seek retreat, an isolation. I want to be a stranger, a nobody. I want to feel stripped... ordinary...

And yet time doesn't permit me to have such moment. Such is the world that I live in. Lucky would I be to spend long hours doing this, musing - to some, doing nothing.

I walk with crowds but I am alone. My heart blends with theirs and we find a speech pitiful, we all cry. We laugh at a joke we all understand. And yet no one has a hint of what my soul is going through. Not one has known the complexity of my emotion, the struggle of my heart and the way that it battles with my mind.

I speak of words to some, but no one has heard the cries of my spirit - cries, I could not even make. Not that I can't trust them. I just think they wouldn't understand... There are some, I think who would. Where then is the soul that is ready? Open and kind to lend a listening heart...

I walk much visibly around many every day and yet people seem to have blinders...

I smile but that's all they see. I have something to say and there are many avenues to do so. But I could not shout it out for the world to hear. For hearing is different from understanding. And the latter is what I really need.

I am a face in the crowd, but my heart perceives no one. In my loneliness and confusion, it is only God I converse with...

They say no man is an island and they say to not be lonely is to reach out. But isn't reaching out the cause of my struggle? The very demand of my calling is the cause of my turmoil. Woe to me then? Will my brokenness forever be a stumbling block to my answering the call? Should I stop relating because sometimes relating is problematic?

I was called into relationships, but sometimes I doubt if I am merely filling a hole..

Indeed, I perceive a hole in my soul and often, I get tempted to fill it with people. Relationships with them, I found, would never fit.. This hole, I realized has a shape. It is God-shaped. Unless I ask God to fill it with his very self, people will only be "fillers" in my life, and not "receivers" of the abundant grace God intends to give them, through me.

I muse now and realize if I am to love people, they are to be recipients of God's blessings through my life and not "instruments" to fill my soul with a hole, echoing with longing - a soul with a hole He alone could fill.

- JCR / January 10, 2011

On the Train

standing on the platform,

i share small space with a crowd,

squeezed, pressed, pushed

we wait in anticipation

in utter impatience..

tempted to be irritated,

we simply keep silent

students, teachers,

mothers, friends,

lovers..

teenagers, mid-20's,

30's, grandmas..

We itch to get out of there,

the sight of the train

is our delight

Finally it's here but

only some could get on..

I am left on the platform,

and I am waiting still..

The train will leave now

and I watch the door close

The train starts to move,

and is now leaving fast..

i look at the faces

and don't recognize any..

the train zooms now and

everyone is white..

the train is moving fast..

everyone is white..

-JCR (Feb. 8, 2011)

One Station Too Early

I got off the train and realized I was 1 station too early

Having finally arrived, it suddenly hit me…

If I had not been mindless,

What would have happened?

Because of the delay, I decided to take a tricycle..

If I had been more attentive,

I would have walked…

What would have happened along the way?

Or to that driver who had driven me home?

I will never know…

-JCR (Feb.1, 2011)

Worker Ant

Worker ant, crawling, carrying crumb --

Trail erased, ant stops.

wondering.. finding.. hoping..

Slowly proceeding to walk across unknown path --

risking, waiting, hoping..

Finding trail again,

worker ant, crawling, carrying crumb walks faster now

-JCR (January 26, 2010)

God's Delight

I woke up, hearing the angels calling

Calling your name,

“She is awake!”

You hovered to me,

With a huge smile,

Greeting me hello…

Through the night,

You had kept watch…

Watching, waiting…

For me to experience your delight…

You came close with your heart of gladness towards me

And that tickled my heart

God’s delight

Mind-blowing, second to none,

better than hot coffee in the morning

I'm a Lonely Soul

I feel alone...

Lonely...

I am a face in various large crowds

I belong to each of them

but my heart feels isolated..

I feel like a puzzle piece, lost..

seeking, longing, waiting...

thinking, thinking hard while waiting..

What am I waiting for?

What am I longing for?

I am a stranger to my destiny,

an unknown face to the one I'm waiting for...

I am a lonely soul with nothing to hold on to but God's promises

I am a lonely heart that yearns for

warmth and for peaceful and secured settlement..

When I awake, I want to feel this and be assured I am well..

I belong to the world,

yet I'm a stranger to everyone...

Many know me..

Strangers smile at me

and I wonder where and how I met them..

I am a lonely soul, a friend to the world,

a best friend to no one..

I am a lonely soul

-JCR (sometime in 2008)

My Poem after the Storm, Ondoy

My poem to God after the storm, Ondoy:

Thank you for this wonderful life

The thought of you when I awake in the morning

gives me a secure feeling that tells me

I am delightful and beautiful

and nothing shall happen that you and I can't handle..

With you in my heart, I don't need to pretend

I only need to allow you to bring out the best in me..

When I come to you in prayer,

I just need to be myself and come like a child...

With you in my life, everything is innocent...

Every happy moment is clean and liberating...

Life becomes a celebration..

Because of your goodness and love that overflows from within me,

I feel wooed by the heavens...

With this overwhelming truth, I feel that a huge force,

an unfathomable being such as yourself is delighted in a grain of sand

such as myself...

You have established a connection between Your heart and mine

and You have always been there in my every state...

Pain, Anguish, Confusion..

Your words are incomparable..

They were what put me to sleep through that dark, stormy night

Even with fear, sirens and shouts of people brought,

Your words of comfort were louder yet gentler in my ears...

And tears rolled down my cheeks,

not because I was scared

but because You were there...

You took all my fears away..

Your warm presence with me

made me forget I was hungry...

Your embrace made me feel full...

You are that patient, persistent lover that woos me everywhere...

You know just when to tell me things,

when to make me listen

and when you should keep silent and let me talk...

You don't shut me off even when I express

confusion, irritation, anger, disappointment to you in prayer...

You are that caring, protective, loving Father

that makes me feel good about myself,

about being a woman

It is your affirming presence that challenges me to do things...

and to make sure I'm making the right decisions

Whenever I make bad ones,

it is You who orchestrates things for my good again...

You are my Lord, my God,

my best friend, my Father

and I treasure and cherish you in my heart...

"I love you" is an understatement..

Let alone "You love me"...

Love,

Jill

Looking Inward

God has allowed me to be ultimately tired of doing things for him, to break down and stop looking at the world with my own eyes for a moment, so I could look inward and realize just how much of a broken person I am as the world where I live and which I minster to.

I have therefore come to realize that in order for me to truly and sincerely be compassionate about the brokenness of the world, it is vital that I do not only look outward to the world, but look inside of me at the same time...

And there I have found that my own wounds and brokenness are worth ministering to.. that they are a part of the issues of the world.. that as I minister, I must be ministered to. As I become an instrument of healing, I myself must cling to the source of healing - to the God who has not only called me into service for my strength, but more so for my weakness.

When I am weak, His power becomes stronger in me.

-JCR (May 18, 2009)

Peace

This peace is better than the tenderness of nature..

or complete solitude from the absence of noise..

and of sights and sounds that blend well together...

There's this peace that springs forth from within,

from a revelation of a message,

like living water, flowing, washing

every corner of my soul...

This peace exists even in the midst of so much noise...

in the presence of turmoil..

even of pain, and of an unknown state...

Like a lighthouse in the middle of the mad, roaring ocean..

still, stable, bright

-JCR (May 17, 2009)

To the God I Adore

If you are the epiphany after every broken dream,

then shatter all my dreams...

If in pain, I will feel Your comfort,

then pain is the sweetest state...

If in my downfall, it is You who will carry me,

then falling may not be that bad after all..

If after I am tired and weary, you will give me rest...

then bring me to weariness..

-JCR (May 8, 2009)

Longing

There's a song in my heart

only God needs to hear...

A note only He could understand..

An empty space in my heart,

He alone could fill..

There's a deep longing in my heart,

only He has seen..

and has known its depths...

My soul longs for love,

And my God shall satisfy it...

-JCR (Feb.26,2009)

A Very Sorrowful Moment

On May 1, 2009, I was at one of my lowest points in life, yet I was at the peak of experiencing God's abundant grace and faithfulness... and then I made this prose:

If only crying the whole night

would drain all my sorrows away...

This pain has no name

My heart is carried by a will that is not mine...

My feet are moved only by God's grace...

This is my weakest

yet my strongest...

I am strong because

God is the one carrying me...

My pain has washed away my iniquities..

My cross has purified my heart

God is my only refuge...

I choose Him, I choose life...

This is when I am stripped of all denials before Him

and to myself...

My past wounds are uncovered,

made visible, exposed..

to His gentle healing

God is my great doctor,

I don't need a second opinion..

I don't want to sleep it off..

If only I could sleep and wake up and

find everything to be different..

but NO...

God wants me here..

Now is the time to bask in sorrow, to contemplate in pain,

to rejoice in sadness and my loss..

God is mighty to save...

If I could turn back time,

What moment do I go back to? and start all over again?

When I was 8? 19?

Do I regret taking the steps God asked me to take?

Do I regret receiving that vision from Him?

Some time in November?

December?

...............................................

Is there a computer program to undo this pain?

A formatting command to erase the memories?

Perhaps an anti-virus to remove all the trojans and worms

and all the unknown, unwanted things?

People say, "Struggle well"

How does one do so?